TRYING NEW THINGS

i'm over here, now.

http://oystershell.typepad.com/

THE MACHINE

ryan and i saw open water last night, at the metreon. i really liked it, ryan thought it was okay. anyhow, though, we got there like an hour and a half early, because ryan was hungry and it is impossible to spend more than 30 minutes inside a mel's diner. it's not great service or disgust with the place, it's just some strange time warp within. seriously, you could take a party of 28 to mel's diner, order dinner and dessert for everyone, and walk out the front door 5 minutes after you walked in. it's a complete mystery. so, yeah, don't go there if you have time to waste, of course, none of this applies if you have injested ridiculous amounts of liquor or drugs. the best restaurant to waste time in is angeli's. you can't spend less than an hour in that place to save your life. god, i miss angeli. anyhow, back to the story.
so we get to the metreon ridiculously early, and decide to play in the arcade. not the high-tech futuristic you-need-a-credit-card-to-ride-this-game arcade, but the theatre lobby arcade. anyhow, ryan and i were pure comedy. i think we're just too old for arcade games. they have pinball machines, which i was immediately drawn to. i hadn't played in years, but i love me some pinball. the thing is, i have no idea what's going on. all i know is you don't want the ball to go into the pit, and to stop it from doing so, you need to smack the shit out of those side buttons and scream a lot. so, i pull up onto the lord of the rings pinball machine, because it was the only one open. i insert my 4 quarters. i kid you not- 4 fucking quarters to play pinball. to play ONE GAME of pinball. but we had time to kill, and i was attracted to all the bright flashing lights in it, so the quarters were in before i could remember what i was complaining about. the guy playing next to me was good. i only knew he was good because he didn't have to keep putting quarters in, like me. i think he had to be good. he was homeless. and when you make a conscious decision to spend a dollar on pinball over food, you need to make that dollar last. any time that shiny metal ball fell into the pit, he knew he was missing out on a bite of hamburger. there was something frighteningly cool about choosing pinball over food, though. so, as soon as i start playing, i go into sensory overload. there are bright lights, loud bells, little dragons popping out of the ground. i felt like i was on a bad acid trip. i forgot there was a world around me. it was just me and the machine and lots of screaming and whimpering. then the machine started shaking. and suddenly i was that 5 year old boy who knew he was in trouble, but wasn't exactly sure why. i looked guiltily from side to side, as the machine shook and roared, and finally asked in my quietest voice, "did i break it?"
"no man! you're going to fight shalom's warriors!" the homeless man said without taking an eye off his own game.
"what does that mean?!"
"that means you get 6 balls at once."
i was beside myself. i couldn't even keep my eye on one ball without going into pokemon-esque seizures. needless to say, there was much more screaming and whimpering, and then the fist of anger and defeat, once my 6th ball fell into the pit, and failed to return to it's little launch pad.
i set out to find ryan and, more importantly, more quarters. when i found him, he was dodging, ducking and sweating profusely, while shooting some video screen just ahead of the escalators. people were ascending from the second floor, wide eyed at ryan looking like he was literally fighting for his life. when he lost, we declared an end to arcade games, and thought it better for everyone, if we just sit in the empty theatre.
i need to write more... i just haven't had the time. what i really need is internet at home. really.

THE SUN

the sun is out, for the first time in a while. don't get me wrong, i enjoy the fog and overcast; but this is nice.

16 days.

THE INFINITE SADNESS OF LOVE

last night, i committed suicide. and when you find me, hanging in the garage this morning, i'll have killed you without lifting a finger.
she went to sleep, never knowing she'd never see her husband alive again. she went to sleep, never knowing her life would never again be the same. you'd think you'd know. you don't. she didn't; she went to sleep.

love is just refrains in a very long funeral procession song. and life is just one curve ball after another. and we dodge and we weave and we occasionally swing; and we're just waiting to get hit. there are those of us who waste their whole lives, and i suspect they'll waste their whole deaths. and there are those of us who love our whole lives, and i suspect they'll love themselves to death. and i can't imagine a life where every moment is taken for granted. but i can't imagine a life where not one single moment is taken for granted.

and i hope you've liked the gifts that i've given. when i didn't give my all, i gave nothing at all. and i hope you like the stories i've told. it'd be a long way to go with no stories at all. and you hope you did the best that you could. but you'll never know, because you did all that you could. and you hope that someone remembers noticing that you were around. because you notice you've remembered a lot of shit go down.

and you can spend a whole god damn day wondering if there's anything you should even say. it's his birthday, again, and you've been so quiet for so long. is it worth it to remember that he'd done you so wrong? is there anything you could say that wouldn't be wrong, in some way?
but in your head you remember, and you're not sure if it's a curse or a blessing. is he blessed that you forget he wasn't worth missing?

when everything's over, you can't quite convince yourself it ever began. but when it's ending you can't tell the difference between what you have and what you've had. a whole existance can be separated into two pieces: before and after love.

she was pregnant when he died. he could survive in the child. she knew this. when she miscarried, she knew nothing at all. you'd think she would have known.

it didn't mean anything. it was just sex. they were just girls. he was just fucking around. she wasn't, when she dove into the crocodile pit at the zoo.

love can, but will not always, be contained. life will never. that is the infinite sadness of love.

POPSCENE

the best way to make friends in the club? rub your ass on people. my ass was all up in everyone's business, last night, at popscene. anyhow, popscene is the left coast 735. so much fun. after board games and pizza, ryan, esther, azine, erin and i walked across the street to what is now my favorite club in the city. any place that plays jackson 5, hot hot heat, yeah yeah yeahs and modest mouse consecutively, is forever in my heart.

i just don't know how i used to do the staying up all night drinking thing on a school night, though. i'm getting old.

NO BEARINGS TO THE DAY

the grey of the sky is thick today. it's a radiohead kind of morning. and i am feeling at home. it's the uniform of everyday. rhythmic pendulums. walking along the deserted ports of the bay, empty parking lots, enjoying the harsh cold air again. living across the street from the water. watching the sail boats and big ships, cruising through and around. winter winds, on the coast, in the unknowing of july. unknowingly blending and growing. pride. the way i enjoy today, today. drugs and dessert at the paragon. my disjointed life on royal street. what it means to be a little bit of everywhere. the grey of the sky lingering. in me.

if that's what you choose.

DATURA

jen, ryan and i saw spiderman 2 last night, on the imax. and although it was a bit contrived and over the top, it left me with a full plate of mixed emotions and a better understanding of my life, as it stands... yes, all this from a superhero movie.

the theme of the film is sacrifice. you can't have everything; and you must give up certain things to attain others... such as with love, dreams and self. those are three huge things that not even a superhero can hold in his hands. to a degree there's a balance, but you have to decide which is most important, and understand that in most cases, it's one over the other. if you haven't seen the film, don't read on. what ruined it for me, was the convoluted ending, which completely contradicts the theme. superhero gets the girl, the goals and the clear understanding of self... all while saving the world from those so obsessed with one or the other, they lose sight of all else. there was this great balance between the two throughout the whole film, which was just completely blown to shit at the end.

anyhow, i left the theatre totally consumed by the theme and it's relation to my life. despite the ridiculous number of times my dad sang those rolling stones lyrics to me as a child, i still haven't quite grasped that i can't always get what i want. i understand sacrifice, and i've made my fair share. i just... i think the reason the majority of my past relationships didn't work was because i couldn't accept the idea that i had to make big sacrifices for love (or lust, depending on who and when). this realization is more comforting than anything else. i knew all along that had ryan and i not ended up, i would have stayed in new orleans, and eventually headed up to new york... i just didn't know why. i remember a conversation jonno and i had one night. tom and colette were both very weary of me inviting ryan to live with me (side note: they both love ryan to death now, and are thrilled this decision was made); but jonno disagreed. he said something to the tune of, "sacrifice is second nature, you just don't realize it. you're not in love, if you're not willing to give up some things that are important to you. and if you are, everything else will work out eventually. it's more about sacrifice than effort."

anyhow, that's how i remember the conversation; and jonno, if you're reading this, i'm sorry if i've misquoted you. but, at that moment i knew the decision had already been made, and so had the sacrifices. and i may not be in new orleans or new york now, but i'll get there. and i'll get there knowing i made the right decisions and sacrifices.

i think it was nietzsche who said that life does not guarantee happiness.
so, if you find it, you better work hard to keep it.

and all it comes back to something jen said; which in my own words is this:
you can never have everything, unless you're willing to give it all away.

and i just used the sequel to spiderman to reference the depth and life lessons in my life. someone. shoot. me.