Oystershell

TRYING NEW THINGS

2004-08-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

i'm over here, now.

http://oystershell.typepad.com/

THE MACHINE

2004-08-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

ryan and i saw open water last night, at the metreon. i really liked it, ryan thought it was okay. anyhow, though, we got there like an hour and a half early, because ryan was hungry and it is impossible to spend more than 30 minutes inside a mel's diner. it's not great service or disgust with the place, it's just some strange time warp within. seriously, you could take a party of 28 to mel's diner, order dinner and dessert for everyone, and walk out the front door 5 minutes after you walked in. it's a complete mystery. so, yeah, don't go there if you have time to waste, of course, none of this applies if you have injested ridiculous amounts of liquor or drugs. the best restaurant to waste time in is angeli's. you can't spend less than an hour in that place to save your life. god, i miss angeli. anyhow, back to the story.
so we get to the metreon ridiculously early, and decide to play in the arcade. not the high-tech futuristic you-need-a-credit-card-to-ride-this-game arcade, but the theatre lobby arcade. anyhow, ryan and i were pure comedy. i think we're just too old for arcade games. they have pinball machines, which i was immediately drawn to. i hadn't played in years, but i love me some pinball. the thing is, i have no idea what's going on. all i know is you don't want the ball to go into the pit, and to stop it from doing so, you need to smack the shit out of those side buttons and scream a lot. so, i pull up onto the lord of the rings pinball machine, because it was the only one open. i insert my 4 quarters. i kid you not- 4 fucking quarters to play pinball. to play ONE GAME of pinball. but we had time to kill, and i was attracted to all the bright flashing lights in it, so the quarters were in before i could remember what i was complaining about. the guy playing next to me was good. i only knew he was good because he didn't have to keep putting quarters in, like me. i think he had to be good. he was homeless. and when you make a conscious decision to spend a dollar on pinball over food, you need to make that dollar last. any time that shiny metal ball fell into the pit, he knew he was missing out on a bite of hamburger. there was something frighteningly cool about choosing pinball over food, though. so, as soon as i start playing, i go into sensory overload. there are bright lights, loud bells, little dragons popping out of the ground. i felt like i was on a bad acid trip. i forgot there was a world around me. it was just me and the machine and lots of screaming and whimpering. then the machine started shaking. and suddenly i was that 5 year old boy who knew he was in trouble, but wasn't exactly sure why. i looked guiltily from side to side, as the machine shook and roared, and finally asked in my quietest voice, "did i break it?"
"no man! you're going to fight shalom's warriors!" the homeless man said without taking an eye off his own game.
"what does that mean?!"
"that means you get 6 balls at once."
i was beside myself. i couldn't even keep my eye on one ball without going into pokemon-esque seizures. needless to say, there was much more screaming and whimpering, and then the fist of anger and defeat, once my 6th ball fell into the pit, and failed to return to it's little launch pad.
i set out to find ryan and, more importantly, more quarters. when i found him, he was dodging, ducking and sweating profusely, while shooting some video screen just ahead of the escalators. people were ascending from the second floor, wide eyed at ryan looking like he was literally fighting for his life. when he lost, we declared an end to arcade games, and thought it better for everyone, if we just sit in the empty theatre.
i need to write more... i just haven't had the time. what i really need is internet at home. really.

THE SUN

2004-08-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

the sun is out, for the first time in a while. don't get me wrong, i enjoy the fog and overcast; but this is nice.

16 days.

THE INFINITE SADNESS OF LOVE

2004-07-31T13:05:00.000-07:00

last night, i committed suicide. and when you find me, hanging in the garage this morning, i'll have killed you without lifting a finger.
she went to sleep, never knowing she'd never see her husband alive again. she went to sleep, never knowing her life would never again be the same. you'd think you'd know. you don't. she didn't; she went to sleep.

love is just refrains in a very long funeral procession song. and life is just one curve ball after another. and we dodge and we weave and we occasionally swing; and we're just waiting to get hit. there are those of us who waste their whole lives, and i suspect they'll waste their whole deaths. and there are those of us who love our whole lives, and i suspect they'll love themselves to death. and i can't imagine a life where every moment is taken for granted. but i can't imagine a life where not one single moment is taken for granted.

and i hope you've liked the gifts that i've given. when i didn't give my all, i gave nothing at all. and i hope you like the stories i've told. it'd be a long way to go with no stories at all. and you hope you did the best that you could. but you'll never know, because you did all that you could. and you hope that someone remembers noticing that you were around. because you notice you've remembered a lot of shit go down.

and you can spend a whole god damn day wondering if there's anything you should even say. it's his birthday, again, and you've been so quiet for so long. is it worth it to remember that he'd done you so wrong? is there anything you could say that wouldn't be wrong, in some way?
but in your head you remember, and you're not sure if it's a curse or a blessing. is he blessed that you forget he wasn't worth missing?

when everything's over, you can't quite convince yourself it ever began. but when it's ending you can't tell the difference between what you have and what you've had. a whole existance can be separated into two pieces: before and after love.

she was pregnant when he died. he could survive in the child. she knew this. when she miscarried, she knew nothing at all. you'd think she would have known.

it didn't mean anything. it was just sex. they were just girls. he was just fucking around. she wasn't, when she dove into the crocodile pit at the zoo.

love can, but will not always, be contained. life will never. that is the infinite sadness of love.

POPSCENE

2004-07-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

the best way to make friends in the club? rub your ass on people. my ass was all up in everyone's business, last night, at popscene. anyhow, popscene is the left coast 735. so much fun. after board games and pizza, ryan, esther, azine, erin and i walked across the street to what is now my favorite club in the city. any place that plays jackson 5, hot hot heat, yeah yeah yeahs and modest mouse consecutively, is forever in my heart.

i just don't know how i used to do the staying up all night drinking thing on a school night, though. i'm getting old.

NO BEARINGS TO THE DAY

2004-07-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

the grey of the sky is thick today. it's a radiohead kind of morning. and i am feeling at home. it's the uniform of everyday. rhythmic pendulums. walking along the deserted ports of the bay, empty parking lots, enjoying the harsh cold air again. living across the street from the water. watching the sail boats and big ships, cruising through and around. winter winds, on the coast, in the unknowing of july. unknowingly blending and growing. pride. the way i enjoy today, today. drugs and dessert at the paragon. my disjointed life on royal street. what it means to be a little bit of everywhere. the grey of the sky lingering. in me.

if that's what you choose.

DATURA

2004-07-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

jen, ryan and i saw spiderman 2 last night, on the imax. and although it was a bit contrived and over the top, it left me with a full plate of mixed emotions and a better understanding of my life, as it stands... yes, all this from a superhero movie.

the theme of the film is sacrifice. you can't have everything; and you must give up certain things to attain others... such as with love, dreams and self. those are three huge things that not even a superhero can hold in his hands. to a degree there's a balance, but you have to decide which is most important, and understand that in most cases, it's one over the other. if you haven't seen the film, don't read on. what ruined it for me, was the convoluted ending, which completely contradicts the theme. superhero gets the girl, the goals and the clear understanding of self... all while saving the world from those so obsessed with one or the other, they lose sight of all else. there was this great balance between the two throughout the whole film, which was just completely blown to shit at the end.

anyhow, i left the theatre totally consumed by the theme and it's relation to my life. despite the ridiculous number of times my dad sang those rolling stones lyrics to me as a child, i still haven't quite grasped that i can't always get what i want. i understand sacrifice, and i've made my fair share. i just... i think the reason the majority of my past relationships didn't work was because i couldn't accept the idea that i had to make big sacrifices for love (or lust, depending on who and when). this realization is more comforting than anything else. i knew all along that had ryan and i not ended up, i would have stayed in new orleans, and eventually headed up to new york... i just didn't know why. i remember a conversation jonno and i had one night. tom and colette were both very weary of me inviting ryan to live with me (side note: they both love ryan to death now, and are thrilled this decision was made); but jonno disagreed. he said something to the tune of, "sacrifice is second nature, you just don't realize it. you're not in love, if you're not willing to give up some things that are important to you. and if you are, everything else will work out eventually. it's more about sacrifice than effort."

anyhow, that's how i remember the conversation; and jonno, if you're reading this, i'm sorry if i've misquoted you. but, at that moment i knew the decision had already been made, and so had the sacrifices. and i may not be in new orleans or new york now, but i'll get there. and i'll get there knowing i made the right decisions and sacrifices.

i think it was nietzsche who said that life does not guarantee happiness.
so, if you find it, you better work hard to keep it.

and all it comes back to something jen said; which in my own words is this:
you can never have everything, unless you're willing to give it all away.

and i just used the sequel to spiderman to reference the depth and life lessons in my life. someone. shoot. me.

24

2004-07-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

and so, let today begin the official countdown of 24 days.

24 days until what? you ask. 24 days until colette, matt and possibly tom land in oakland. my excitement is unbearable.

there's so much more to write... but work, as usual lately, is piling around me.

ARTICHOKES AND TOMATOES

2004-07-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

because the last one is dated.

100 things.

1. i can easily name the four most dynamic people i've ever met.
2. they are: la'kisha maghee, colette bennett, tracy young and matt valletta.
3. i have great respect for these people, because i rarely feel dynamic.
4. there is a wild child inside me somewhere, it just rarely comes it.
5. it was most visible in new orleans.
6. i'm closer with my father now, than i ever imagined i could be.
7. i have a very hard time having every day conversations with 90% of the population.
8. i feel very socially inadequate.
9. i am ridiculously sentimental.
10. i spend so much more time thinking about people from my past than i should.
11. 90% of my conversations with close friends center around 5 topics.
12. those five topics are: sex, vomiting, flatuation, masturbation and defecation.
13. i shit approximately 3-4 times a day.
14. people say i should see a doctort about this.
15. i say you can't negotiate shit.
16. a lot 0f the time, i feel like i'm someone people have to handle.
17. i hate this almost as much as...
18. i hate my hair.
19. in my opinion, my lips, ass and eyes are my best physical features.
20. i could easily spend all my money on food and books.
21. i have a hard time buying clothes, because i'm incredibly particular about what i wear.
22. i have a very small head.
23. which makes finding good hats that fit very diificult.
24. which sucks because [see number 18].
25. i spend so much time inside my head, that i often miss what's going on outside of it.
26. people try to criticize me by telling me this.
27. i hate it when people try to tell me who i am.
28. no one has a better handle on me, than me.
29. no one else spends as much time in my head as me. no one else spends any time in my head.
30. however, it's easy to judge.
31. i'm more judgemental than i'd like to be.
32. i often test myself by taking on projects/goals, just to see if i can follow through.
33. like quitting caffeine or becoming vegetarian.
34. my next project? veganism.
35. i love i love i love playing board games.
36. i could play board games all day long.
37. my dad and my uncle lived together when i was younger, and on the weekends when my cousins and i were there, we'd play different games every night. half the time, we'd make up our own.
38. that's one of few childhood memories i have.
39. as a child, i was painfully sensitive.
40. when i got back to california, this remanifested.
41. i like my current job more than any job i've ever had.
42. i would make a great attorney, but have no desire to be one, whatsoever.
43. all i want out of life, is a good group of friends to sit around, drink plum wine and play games with.
44. i love reality tv.
45. i hate the taste of fish,
46. but love sushi.
47. i also hate cheese.
48. i once drank an entire pitcher of sangria. by myself.
49. on a dare from one of the partners at my old firm.
50. i don't remember anything following the 3/4 mark.
51. i only weight 100 pounds.
52. i haven't really gained weight since i was 15.
53. i love semi-colons; see.
54. i also love driving and riding in any mean of transportation.
55. i get incredibly quiet, during transport, though.
56. that's when i'm my most introverted and thoughtful.
57. this is not to say i'm not very introverted all the time, anyway.
58. what i dislike most about my new place, is there is no light fixture above the bed.
59. i spent a good chunk of time in leavenworth and royal, laying in bed and staring at the light fixture above.
60. i'm one of the laziest people i've ever met.
61. and i have major procrastination issues.
62. mainly because i tend to get very caught up in what i'm thinking, how i'm feeling, or what i'd like to be doing.
63. you might say i'm a dreamer.
64. but i'm not the only one.
65. if i had to compare myself to any fictional character, i'd be ashamed to admit my choice.
66. which is ally mcbeal.
67. the likeness is frightening.
68. i wish i ate breakfast more often.
69. i'd just rather sleep in, then worry about feeding myself, in the morning.
70. mine included, blogs and bloggers scare me.
71. i get excited when people link to or recognize my blog.
72. but it creeps me out when people quote it, or use it as an outline for who i am.
73. i would never consider my blog a good representation of who i am.
74. it's just the things you don't necessarily see.
75. other than this list, outwardly i'm very different than what my blog conveys.
76. i often underestimate my own intelligence.
77. i am very intelligent, and whip-smart.
78. but i hate it when people try to prove their intelligence.
79. i don't need to hear 5 $5 dollar words in a sentence.
80. i don't nned to listen to someone speak with total mechanical diction and presentation.
81. i'm a spaz.
82. most of the time, i say something without thinking about how i'm going to articulate it.
83. so i come off as a retard.
84. i want to have a child and a home.
85. but the idea of settling down rigth now, makes me want to jump into traffic.
86. i am determined to live in 2 other cities, before 30.
87. they are: new york and anchorage.
88. and once again in new orleans.
89. i have a little over 7 years.
90. i think i'm a very unique and interesting person.
91. it's just that getting stuff out of me, is like bending bricks.
92. i'm very open and up front with my boyfriend, though.
93. i've seen and experienced many relationships fail due to lack of communication.
94. my relationship with ryan is the my longest relationship to date.
95. it's very hard to believe.
96. i have good feelings about this one.
97. i have so much work to do today, so i really shouldn't be doing this.
98. but i'm quick and efficient.
99. and i love making lists.
100. i could survive, for the rest of my life, on artichokes and tomatoes.

THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

2004-07-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

as i walked up to the office today, and saw all the construction trucks parked in front of club universe, i could only think of one thing:

20 really gay men, shirtless with glow sticks, hand-in-hand, singing madonna's "this used to be my playground" and swaying.

i broke into laughter as i passed our security guard. truth be told, i'm pretty sure he already thinks i'm crazy... so no major loss.

NEVERWHERE

2004-07-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

you were wild, where are you now?

IN OTHER NEWS...

2004-07-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

i've developed a beer pouch. it screams things like, "shut up and stick it in!"

yoga. yoga. yoga.

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING

2004-07-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

i don't believe you. but that's okay, as long as you're happy. me? i'm happy. happier, lately. i still miss nola. i always will. i mean, until i'm there, again; whether permanently or short-term. these things are funny, you know? i tend to only write about one spectrum of my life. i try to write about other things, but usually write the best about one specific thing i'm experiencing... usually something i've experienced before, but in different ways. why? because it's home turf. because i've been there before? because, maybe, it's ironic. anyhow, in doing so, i come off like i'm sitting under a well-lit shrine of new orleans, ready to slit my wrists. i'm not. i'm okay. there are some rough days. but there's an equal balance of good and okay days. we do what we can. and we try our best. which is all anyone can do. you try your best to be a better person, but sometimes you get so caught up in how your feeling, in being happy, that you forget to be better. it's a human condition. we all want to be better people. but, we all want to be happy. and sometimes you have to choose one over the other. ryan and i, both, forget this sometimes. which is not to say, we don't. we do what we can. it's seeing every angle. it's not judging, because there's always something you don't know or feel. i haven't made a life of missing new orleans, it's just alpha in my blood, right now. it's not even the city, or completely the people. it's the good influence the city and the people had on me. it was me being a better person, and happy, all at once, with such simplicity. it was having a family. i have great friendships here. some of the best. i just miss the web i wove there. i had a family. which is not to say i won't build one here. it's just immediate prospects. it's just apples and oranges. or appels and oranjes. your pick.

and i just keep doing. and hopefully, i don't get creamed by the N, on the way. everyday, i find myself crossing king street, not paying attention; and halfway across the tracks realize i haven't looked to see if one of the subway trains is barrelling towards me. and much like good old a&p, i fear this might one day be the end of me. and my last thougth will be, "i can't wait until they tear down the old club universe building."

yes, kids. they're tearing that shit down. what was once the gayest gay club in san francisco, will soon be office or retail space. sometime this week or next, all your gay memories will slowly but surely become something dirtier and gayer, like a gap or banana republic. i'm not sure which is worse; i just hope someone tells the homeless man who has made a mattress fortress in what used to be it's rainbow entrance... like it was the land of fucking oz. god, i hated universe.

and now, now i have piles of papers glaring at me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEN!!!

PIANOFIRE

2004-07-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

things are getting better. floating. i'm finding my footing, despite unsteady, unbased plates. it's funny how when you think things are going well, the plates are always shifting; and you just have to adapt. these aren't open letters, you know? everyday, just an iota of how i feel. i could never fully explain myself into one thing, or anything, tangeable. it's just venting. you take what you can get, but there's always holes. holes that only i can fill. don't try. it gets messy, everything leaks and melts away.

i'm in sold form, lately, though. maybe you need to see someone you have mountains of respect for be a complete ass. maybe you need to react. maybe you just need to lay on your back and watch the ceiling. let it all fade into the carpet. not everything is forgiveable; but what isn't, should be forgettable. you can only hold onto so much, why waste your hands?

red wine. sushi. dandelions in bullet holes. elton john, high pitch, "hold me closer, tiny dancer..." i love pianos.

sparklehorse is playing in new orleans three weeks after my birthday. start saving your pennies, kids.

YES, ANASTASIA

2004-07-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

it's weird coming back to an old place as a different person. i've been having a really hard time adjusting. i have a hard time being myself, because the people here are used to a person who has gone through so many changes and experiences. who knew 3 months and 3 thousand miles could have such a drastic effect on any one person? i find myself constantly struggling against habit; the habit of who i was when i was here. insecure, rigid, paranoid. if i used any of those words to describe myself, in new orleans, people would laugh. that's part of the allure back to nola, other than having the best group of friends i've ever had, i was the best person i've ever been. so, what now? now i make the best of the situation. i worry about having fun, and not just getting by for the next 14 months.

Despite the tone of the majority of my recent posts, though, it is getting better. Our apartment is starting to look like a home. We're even having a housewarming party. And for someone so accustomed to floating around, I kind of like the idea of laying our roots down for a while. I like the idea of creating a home with someone. with Ryan. We still don't have a couch, which i actually like. it's the one good thing about carpet, i can lay around on it. even as a child i slept on the floor. i like it low down. simplistic. sprawling. the idea of buying a couch is frightening. with it comes a level of permanence that i'm not ready to accept. i don't like keeping much stuff around, minimalism manifests my portability. which is not to say i'm going to pick up and go, i just want it to be easy, when the time comes. big furniture scares me.

Ryan and i talked about it all last night, and he feels the same way about being here and new orleans and all that; which is what i needed to hear, because i felt like i was going crazy. feeling alone in anything makes you question yourself so much more. we talked, and we do okay a little more each day. and i love i love i love. i think the biggest problem, for both of us, is how hard it is, in this city, to make friends. we both just feel very lonely and alone. i mean we have jen, who's become our rock. but it feels like that's about all we have. it's not like new orleans, where we had four great friends, who were around every day. it's not like tucson, where ryan had a bunch of great people who loved and cared for him. it's just so isolated, and that's hard to get around. and in such isolation, everything big feels so much larger.

and i feel like i'm on the moon. working and living in a developing part of town, you'd never know i was anywhere.

65 IN JULY

2004-07-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

my skin is dry.
today i'm a mess. maybe i'm always a mess, but today's is just bigger than usual. i got drunk last night, had a good time, then lost it. maybe it was photos of our last week in new orleans, combined with me feeling like i'm second fiddle out here. maybe it was the fact that i made just as many real friends in my three months in new orleans as i had in my two years in san francisco. california is pretty, but it's a hard place. the people aren't the same here. everyone's on guard. everyone's trying to protect themselves from something, or someone. i don't know what instilled this in californians; i just know that it brings me down. so, anyway, i lost it. i've been creating lots of little piles inside myself, that finally just fell under their own weight. i feel like a third wheel to my boyfriend and best friends. i feel lost in a sea of unfriendly faces. i feel like i'm losing my connections in new orleans. i feel trapped by finances. i feel like my birthday is comign up and i'm not going to get the only thing i really want. i feel like ryan's right, that i do ruin everything, lately. i feel an uneasy inability to be myself due to a newfound lack of confidence and security. i feel like i don't know what i want; san francisco, new orleans, they both feel like home... and maybe i just want too much from one place. i feel like i was so much happier in new orleans, but i just didn't appreciate what i had, to enjoy how happy i actually was. i feel like i'm becoming my mother. i feel like things are getting better, and i should appreciate that, rather than consuming myself in my insecurities with my friends and what i'm missing out on in new orleans. ultimately, i just feel left out of everything. like i keep getting cut off.
my skin is dry.

ATLANTA

2004-07-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

well, monday we're picking up the u-haul, loading it up, and heading to...
atlanta.

after lots of debate, we've decided that san francisco is too expensive, and i'm just not ready to start all over again in the same place. why atlanta? well, we wanted to be near the coast, in a big city, and back in the south. so, atlanta seemed to be the place to go. we've saved up enough money to get down there and live for a month, and then we'll have to find jobs.

yes, it's true, i'm full of shit. i would never in a million years move to atlanta... for numerous reasons. we are moving, though. ryan and i finally scored an apartment. a nice little one bedroom, right across the street from my office, sbc ball park and the train station. it's hard to feel excited when you're overwhelmed with relief. once we're all moved in, though, i'll be ridiculously giddy. well, we're actually getting there, already. we've been talking about painting and housewarming parties, and such. we're big dorks.

Until then, we're staying with Jen; which is why posts and emails have been on hold. She's so 20th century, with no internet access. We have fun, though.

WALTER

2004-06-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

all in all, it was a good weekend. the apartment search is getting pretty discouraging, it's not that we're not finding pretty good places... it's just timing. i'm ready to have a home. a place to hide.

things are just... there's so much to say, but i find my chest feeling so hollow. i got in trouble for not responding to something correctly. i understand, he doesn't, though. and sometimes you just can't win, no matter what you say, so you take it on the chin.

tom finally called, twice, this weekend; and too my luck, both at completely inopportune times. sometimes i miss them so much, i can't think of anything else. sometimes i miss them so much, i fantasize... i need to stop painting pretty pictures. things were just so easy then, which is not to say easier is better. but, easy is just easier, some days. i feel like we're always on the edge of some kind of turmoil. it exhausts me. i have fun, though. i'm happy most of the time. i love my boyfriend, that's enough. i just need a place to land.

i won a $10 gift certificate for we be sushi. for real. i was drunk and filled out a birthday card. 3 days later, i received my first ever letter from a sushi bar. i haven't, however, gotten a donkey yet. i did, though, sing a part of the donkey punch song, with avenue d. yes, bitches.

and sam's cat dumped him, for me.

AVENUE D

2004-06-26T02:42:00.000-07:00

dollar shot, after dollar shot, and i am numb to what's around me. it's just me, my new friend franchesca, and daphne and debbie. it was a good night. i touched debbie's ass. i got to sing along, on the mike, to donkey punch... "all you hos, touch your toes". and then, after the show, i had a short talk with daphne, which involved me pretty much losing my cool and hugging her a few times, in between telling her how much me and my friends in new orleans love her and debbie.

and now... now, hell, i don't know. it's going to be a long weekend. and i, i just want to rest my head. rest my head, and exhale. and listen to karen o.

some nights i am afraid of what it means to be me and be me loving you.

I'LL TAKE YOU ON, HOROWITZ

2004-06-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

for as long as i can remember, i've wanted a donkey. they're cute, sweet and sassy, but not too sassy. in my opinion, you just can't say no to a donkey. that, and, i always have the need to take everything i own, everywhere i go. perhaps, this habit has formed over the last year of vagabond living. anyhow, back to donkeys. now some local hoo-haw has a donkey, who runs errands with him all day. well, he rents his donkey. and as jealous as i am, i dig it.

anyhow, i've decided i am going to get my donkey, after years and years and craving. i need your help, though. so below is a paypal button, so you and your friends can donate money to the "help buy josh a donkey" fund. i promise, all money donated will go directly towards the purchase of a donkey. those of you who make substantial donations can even borrow the donkey for a day. for those of you with websites, i urge you to post a link to the "help buy josh a donkey" paypal button. haven't you ever had a dream? i have a dream. and that dream is to guide a donkey around town. a donkey with a cowboy hat.
we, together, can show up horowitz.

seriously, help a brutha out.

HELP BUY JOSH A DONKEY

AND YOU CARRY

2004-06-24T17:34:00.000-07:00

i walked out of work, and it was like my first day on the planet. you ever have those moments, where your life just eludes. i got off of the N at the wrong stop, then got turned around in the station. when i got into the main embarcadero station, it was all completely unrecognizable to me; in spite of my crossroads there, every morning. i then got turned around in the BART station there. whenever i found myself in these out of body experiences, i end up focusing on something i normally wouldn't. the whole way to jeff's, i lost myself in all these mother-child couples i came across. there is nothing more beautiful and sacred than the bond between a mother and her young child. i was overwhelmed by all the love there. by all the dependency there. wherein need is born and epitomized, all at once. when you find yourself so imbedded in that bond, from the outside, you forget all the hate around you. it's all so suddenly overpowered by the grip of a tiny, seemingly weak hand, onto that of it's mother's. i fall in love. and the more we love, the more we will love.
why is it that i'm always my most emotional on public transport? perhaps, because we're forced into the personal spaces of so many strangers. it is in such confrontations that we're forced to see what we'd otherwise choose to ignore. it's that beauty that i missed so much, while i was in new orleans. you find your eyes opening wider and wider; you begin to see more of the world, and less of yourself. you fall in love. even when you find yourself disgusted or angered by certain things or people, it's the love of what's around you that evokes such emotion in you. you fall in love with what you try so hard not to. and the more you love, the more you will love. and the more you love, the more you care; about the people around you, about the world around you, about relationships, about the nature or your loving and caring.
now that i'm back in the city, i find myself so much more overwhelmed by the touch of life. and that, that is a beautiful thing.

i'm scratching at the surface of who i've been and who i was. sometimes i just need to stop and look around.

you came on a lion, all courageous. and i stepped up to your cage; just to see if we would go, across the bridge i thought you'd know.

i want a child. but for now, for now i just want an apartment and a puppy, named professor hijinks. a beagle, perhaps.

and time, time is god. it stops; it stops who it wants.

BLOWJOBS AND BIRTHDAY CAKE

2004-06-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

hey nephew!
why don't you ever come visit me anymore?
i miss my fucking family.

that's what the crazy, old, crippled homeless man said to me this afternoon, while i waited for one of the third street buses. had i not been listening to sigur ros, i would've thought he was nuts; but, since i was listening to sigur ros, i was pained. i pondered on the most diplomatic response one might make. after much consideration, i decided the most diplomatic response to a crazy cripple who thought i was his nephew was to turn up my headphones and ignore him.

i also spent a good portion of the day considering the word cunt. it's, honestly, one of my favorite words. i know it has some very misogynistic undertones; however, more and more, people are becoming desensitized by it's infiltration into hipster vernacular. i remember ten years ago, sitting in my dad's car, hearing him scream cunt at passing drivers; i'd want to cry. now, i love it. it has great authority. and when given an asexual connotation, loses all underlying negative emphasis. so, yes or no, are we at a stage in our progression that cunt can evolve into maintstream vocabulary? aren't we all tired of fuck and asshole? haven't they lost their strengths?
decidedly, i like the word; and i'm going to continue using it.

avenue d, friday- bitches.

THESE ARE THE DAYS OF MY LIFE

2004-06-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

i'm watching days of our lives, on tivo, and eating french toast, at 7pm. when did i gain 50lbs, hair curlers, a trailer, mumu, and a vagina?

MOUNTAINS

2004-06-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

ryan says i try too hard to be perfect. it's probably true.

i have the following songs mercilessly stuck in my head:
ain't no sunshine -bill withers
modern romance -yeah yeah yeahs
pictures of success -rilo kiley

SCIENCE v. THE HUMAN CONDITION

2004-06-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

somedays, you feel like you've been gutted. you watch your insides spill out all over the kitchen table. you question yourself, because you can't help not questioning yourself, when all your insecurities are sitting on everyone's plates, waiting to be eaten. you know no one really has bad intentions, but good intentions don't negate bad results. you've been shrunk down so far, just not far enough to completely disappear. you're stifled, hurt and speechless. and all you can think is, these are the people who are supposed to protect me from my parents... not give them loaded guns.

despite my best reasoning, i'm still stifled, hurt and speechless.

and more and more, i don't have it in me to keep this thing up.

how quickly everything smears and smells, under spilt milk.

you weight it all out, balancing, when you're barely a balancing act. trying to even out stupid things like numbers. like counting your steps. like counting days until things might be better. like counting on something, then being disappointed. and the whole thing is, all this science is futile when it doesn't change the way you feel.
like, i feel like i was better in new orleans. like, i feel so insecure in san francisco, for reasons beyond me. like, i feel like there's merit in everything everyone says. like, i feel like my insides are still out on the table, being poked and prodded at by every fork, including my own.

am i an asshole? am i truly all those things? and if i am, why are we still here, trying to build around it? if i'm hurting you, and you're hurting me, and we're just hurting each other... then why are we wasting this energy? science wouldn't be so reckless. but people, we push and push, until we're dead and empty-handed.

that long car ride, i retraced maps. maps. most of those trails led to me feeling like an asshole, or a waste of someone's time. exhibitions so easily congeal into evidence, which so easily solidifies as fact. it's always fun and games until we change the laws of someone else's gravity.

i don't know what to hypothesize or theorize. i'm just stifled, hurt and speechless. and i blame no one, just circumstance and maybe myself. character is rooted in itself.

WHEN I WAS BETTER

2004-06-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

leaving new orleans was the stupidest thing i've ever done.

i want out.

I DREAMT I WAS A WHALE, RIDING LOW

2004-06-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

excuse me, but i can i be you for a while
my dog won't bite, if you sit real still
i've got the anti-christ in the kitchen yelling at me, again
yeah, i can hear that
been saved, again, by the garbage truck
i got something to say, you know
but nothing comes
yes, i know what you think of me
you never shut up
yeah, i can hear that
and what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it
but i don't care
'cause sometimes i said, sometimes i hear my voice
and it's been here
silent all these years
so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
what's so amazing about really deep thoughts
boy you best pray that i bleed real soon
how's that thought for you
my scream got lost in a paper cup
do you think there's a heaven where some screams have gone
i've got 25 bucks and a cracker
do you think it's enough
to get us there
'cause what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it
but i don't care
'cause sometimes i said, sometimes i hear my voice
and it's been here
silent all these years
years go by will i still be waiting
for somebody else to understand
years go by if i'm stripped of my beauty
and the orange cloud's raining in my head
years go by will i choke on my tears
'til finally there is nothing left
one more casualty
you know, we're too easy
easy
easy
well i love the way we communicate
your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
let's hear what you think of me know
but, baby, don't look up
the sky is falling
your mother shows up in a nasty dress
and it's your turn, now, to stand where i stand
and everybody's looking at you
here, take hold of my hand
yeah, i can hear them
but what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it
but i don't care
'cause sometimes i said, sometimes i hear my voice
and it's been here
silent all these years
i've been here
silent all these years
silent all these years
silent all these years

HOT BEEF BRING IT! G-UNIT TAKE OVA!

2004-06-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

observations made en route home:
1 guy wearing a red cowboy outfit
2 broken arms on one block
"hot beef bring it! g-unit take ova" carved 3 times, into a window on the J
a girl dance and sing to 4 whole songs on her walkman
5 teenagers talking about that god awful Fanta commercial
6 frat boys, at Momo's, wearing hawaiian print shirts
7 pairs of Pumas i wish were mine
a girl with 8 visible piercings

i've resorted to stupid lists and memes and other bullshit. my confidence in my writing skills has hit an all-time low, and these are the benefits you reap for it. it's hard to feel good about what you're doing when someone close to you constantly points out how bad you are at it; how much better he is at it. and somewhere between ignoring it and saying, "fuck you. i'm just doing my thing." i ended up taking it to heart, and becoming over-critical of everything i write. which means i press the backspace button, more often than not.

i feel like i'm losing a lot of myself... to petty shit. i'm happy. i'm just not quite myself. i thought a lot, this afternoon, about that guy who rode into a new town, with just himself and a uhaul. right there, for a second, i knew myself so well. i'd do it again, without a second thought. but things are different right now. someday, maybe? just not today. today, i stare out the windows of the J, counting things (in my obsessive compulsive way), and wondering when i'm going to get it together... again.

work is going well. i work my ass off. i like working my ass off. i'm proud. and all of this is why i don't mind saying, for the first time ever, i honestly believe i'm not being paid enough. but i'd rather be paid too little for a cool job, than too much for some shit job. that's the difference with this kid.

i was reading the article, in today's chronicle, about the 9/11 investigation (forgive my morbid, band-wagon ridiculousness). anyhow, something strange occurred to me. it stated that several interviews with al queda informants had concluded that the original plan was to crash a few extra plans into some SF skyscrapers; as well as kill all the adult men on a tenth plane, but spare the woman and children. i'd have been shot, because i'm an adult male. why don't i feel like an adult? where's that defining moment in a person's life, where they begin to feel adult? i have a pretty strong sense of self, despite my moments of frustration and yearning for other things. i'm somewhat resposible, according to anyone who isn't my mother or her family. i have a job that pays in the top 8% of the international income. so, yeah, i'm homeless; but even before that whole thing, i never really felt adult. does it come with owning a home? having a child? marriage? or should i expect something in the mail? "dear mr. hallmark, you qualify for a brand new credit card with a 0% interest rate for the first 3 months AND you're an adult, now. congratulations. i totally would have been shot, and i don't even know why.

this is my life. lists, daydreaming, and thinking way too much about completely trivial bullshit. and music. but i'm without an mp3 player... so there goes that.

yeah... broken mp3 player. broken phone. broken digital camera. i might as well move into a tree, with daryl hannah.

"hot beef, bring it! g-unit take ova!" where do these people come from?

IT'S ALWAYS FUN AND GAMES UNTIL...

2004-06-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

lies. lies. lies. ryan looks like someone's been kickboxing his soul. maybe it's the day. maybe the trying. maybe it's me. it's hard to tell much of anything anymore. i've been kidnapped by routine and "normalcy"; sometimes i feel like he's been left in tire tracks. we do what we can, though; and i love what we do.

saw "saved!", with darse and ryan, the other day. good shit. it made me think a lot about my friends. i have great friends. i may not be paris hilton, but there's little more than proximity that i could ask for from my friends. you know you've found your niche, when you can soberly discuss defecation, masturbation and vomitting over dinner, with your loved ones. we're peas in a pod. and i am blessed. the most we seem to argue about is whether you can negotiate shit, or not. god only knows what i'd be without you.

i still find myself wanting, though. i want colette. here.

i still like my job.

BRIGHTER LIGHTS

2004-06-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

we're climbing out. slowly, but surely. brighter lights.

for the first time, in a while, i've had both the time and state of mind, to chill out and catch up with people, emails and such. it feels good. been wanting to have a nice long chat with colette and tom; but tom's never around, and colette's talks are always interrupted by something, then few and far between. i do ok, though.

jessica's in town; and it sounds like we'll be joining her and jen, at zeitgeist this afternoon. maybe sushi? i've been craving sushi, for days. it's been a while.

my job continues to be astound me with it's coolness. yesterday was lily's last day, and i was sad to see her go. however, i'm looking forward to diving into things, on monday.

and i can't help but stop and think about where we'd be right now, if it weren't for jeff. there are few people i've come across who have been so kind and generous. and look, i'm natalie merchant. anyhow, i can't thank him enough. we owe him big. even though, i feel like we're wearing out our welcome. there's nothing quite like that feeling. that fine line between being in need and being needy, that we all, at one point reach. gratitude and guilt are hard to balance, when you're barely balancing.

we're climbing out. slowly but surely, though. brighter lights.

of all the lives i've been living, my favorite is the one where we're living in an apartment in the city, with great food and great friends in abundance. pictures of success fold in half so easily. maybe a month? hopfully less. almost. i still miss c,t,m,s.

DONUTS

2004-06-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

i really like my job... it's so strange.
ryan and i had cocktails with lily, after work today, at the cutest bar. zebulan. lily knows her shit. i'm pretty sure she left thinking ryan and i are crazy. hell, i'm pretty sure we are, though. anyhow, we had fun; and think lily's as cute as a button.

heard back from matt, who is for sure coming to visit for my birthday.

i thought i had more to write, but whatever it was, it's gone forever now.

i want a donut. real bad.

ANTE UP

2004-06-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

some afternoons never seem to end.

i like my job. it is, of course, a job; but a good one, when all things are considered. the irony of it is, i really dig working with lily. her last day is friday; then, it may just be a whole new ball game.

a whole new ball game. i should be used to that by now. everyday seems to be a different set of rules and strategies on how to get by. fuck winning. winning is the perk. getting by is the hampster wheel. lately, anyhow.

i know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. i can even see it. it's just that all those hurdles and hoops along the way make it a difficult goal to crave, at times. sometimes i just want to cash in my chips and do something different. i've been thinking things i shouldn't be thinking. but unmanifested thoughts are simply unmanifested thoughts; they just alleviate the anger when i grit my teeth and clench my fists all the way to work.

been having those dreams, again. people from my past and present. all around. what it all meant. what it all means, to still exist on different planes. i still wake up at 711 royal, every now and again. i still walk home under the brooklyn bridge, on occasion. i still wonder, most of the time. of all the places, people and things... all this. there's so much. so much. how do you navigate through all you want to be? how do you breathe, when you fill the room with tiny big thoughts?

i feel so small. and i am such a small character in this show. but i'm just not weightless.

i try, though. it's just that, with all the things that are, i'm so often jumped by the things that aren't. hope is tricky business, and all my cards are on the table. so i just fold my hands, and watch you shuffle. shuffle me. and maybe, maybe you'll get the hand you want. and in the meantime, i'll work my 7 day weeks, and keep trying to deal.

THE RYAN SHOW

2004-06-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

i wanna throw my weight around.

SEXBOMB

2004-06-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

one of my greatest memories from working at good friends, is watching the video for tom jones's "sexbomb", early in the morning, when it was just pam (the cleaning lady) and i. i'd think about the first time i heard that song, drunk off my ass on 4th street... that was a good night. i had a huge crush.
i don't know where that memory came from; just that the song is stuck in my head, i suppose.

first day of work, tomorrow. i'm excited; except for the fact that we have to get our asses up at ass crack o'clock, to catch the northbound train from gilroy, so we can be in the city by 830. and, of course, i'm a drunk little monkey.

happy birthday, drew.

IMPRESSIONS

2004-06-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

some of us want our names carved into golden marquis. i do just fine with an impression on the people i love; the people who love me. i just can't comprehend how a need to impress can take over someone's life. who cares what other people think, if the people who actually care about you, think you're an asshole? at what point do they stop caring, because nothing will ever impress you. growing up, i was taught that being yourself was second rate to making sure people thought highly of you. what i've learned now, is that people will think highly of you if you are yourself; not if you have a degree from wherever and a big brand new BMW. growing up, it was "don't wear that, people will think we're poor."; "don't hang out with her, people will think we're trash."; don't do that, people will think we're this...
my mother will never be happy, because nothing she does, or pretends to do, will ever be enough to live up to the impressions she thinks she needs to make. she tortured my adolesence with this, and now i see her doing it to my sister. what i've been trying to teach my sister, who says she's miserable in trying to deal with my mother and her need to impress, is that you can't make someone happy; you can only make yourself happy. and sometimes, that's a struggle in itself. i spent a good chunk of my childhood trying to please my mother, compromising myself doing it, all in vain. happiness isn't as important as looking good, to my mother; and as a result of this, she manages to make everyone around her miserable. we all love her, of course... but i'm not sure any of us really like her, most of the time. this would be fine and dandy, if it were just her; but my sister is being dragged through needles and broken glass, compromising herself, being poked and prodded, and denied any option to be anything less than what my mother wants her to be. she spent a good chunk of yesterday, in tears, telling me this. the difference between us is this; my mother's only fallen deeper and deeper into this, with age. so my sister bears the most weighted of her ridiculous needs. gotta have matching shoes, gotta wear this, gotta get good grades in school, gotta entertain my friend's kids, gotta drive this nice new car, gotta entertain my friend's husbands, gotta get in shape so i can look as pretty as everyone else, gotta get my kid in school so my family won't judge, gotta be a mannequin, gotta be a mannequin, gotta be a mannequin. who cares what you want- it's never enough. it's never enough. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. the only impressions you're leaving are scars; scars on the only people you needed to impress. we don't want to live in your museums, we don't want to drive your big fancy cars, we don't want to impress those rich assholes, we just want to be happy. we just want you to be happy in your own skin. but, it's just asking too much. sometimes, when i've had it up to here, my mother's misery is poetic justice to me. 98% of the time, it tortures me... but in a different way, nowadays. my greatest fear in life, is that i will become my mother. it's engrained in me, and sometimes i see pieces of it surfacing.
mostly, though, i worry about my sister.

and i wonder if you'll miss your old friends
once you've proven what you're worth
and i wonder when you're a big star
will you miss the earth
and i know you always, always want more
i know you, you'll never be done

because everyone is a fucking napoleon
everyone is a fucking napoleon

and the next time that i saw you
you were larger than life
yeah you came and you conquered
you were doing all right
you had an army of suits behind you
and all you had to be was willing
and i said i still make a pretty good living
you must make a killing, a killing
and i hope that, that you are happy
i hope that at least you are having fun

oh but everyone is a fucking napoleon
well everyone is a fucking napoleon

you say that, so that's the way it's gonna be
so that's what this is all about
i think that that's the way it always was
ani difranco- napoleon

ALMOST

2004-06-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

and now, i'm in hollister. i thought, a lot, today about how i just ricochet all over the central coast, lately. i'm a superball. down here to move a bed, then head back up to the city on sunday, so i can...

start my new job on monday.

yes, bitches; i got myself a job. i got myself a job, across the street from the apartment darsy, ryan and i are moving to. well, when ryan finds himself a job. he will.

spent the last two days working with dad. made just enough money to get here, buy some food, and get back. i guess that's just the way it goes. we're almost there, though. almost. i can taste it.

just got out of the pool, and am listening to the greatest cd ever. made it this morning, to play in lieu of the shit my dad makes me listen to all day. you can only listen to kfox for so long, before going insane.
1. science vs. romance -rilo kiley
2. my girlfriend's boyfriend -her space holiday
3. maps -yeah yeah yeahs
4. white chocolate space egg -liz phair
5. not tonight -tegan and sara
6. trailer trash -modest mouse
7. new enemy -sarah harmer
8. apple bed -sparklehorse
9. lakes of ponchartrain -the be good tanyas
10. the district sleeps alone tonight -the postal service
11. pictures of you -the cure
12. fight test -flaming lips
13. stutter -andy stochansky
14. gravity rides everything -modest mouse
15. silver road -sarah harmer
16. paint's pealing -rilo kiley
17. fresh feeling -the eels

on a side note, i've noticed my readership went way up as soon as i started expressing how shitty things were. is this because i write better when i'm down, coincidence, or because y'all love to see me on my knees? it's kind of a bummer that things are getting better; i'd hate to lose people. but, it's something i can live with. i'm starting to feel like myself again. i can taste it. almost.

SOFT SHOULDER

2004-06-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time since i wrote anything of merit in here. remember when i used to write about really deep thoughts, self-preserved tragedies, blood lines of past lovers? i guess at some point, you become part of the paint. i guess at some point you become numb, and you either find new things to feel or get lost between here and there. i'm a virgo. i'm obsessive compulsive. i count steps. i do it all the time. and maybe, maybe i just get lost in all the numbers of every day. of any day. when you pay too close attention to the mathematics of any given thing, you lose the wonder in it. you forget how to live, when you spend your whole life counting, keeping track. 32 steps up the green stairs. 3 ways to avoid a broken heart. 36 days since new orleans. 4 hours till i'm asleep. 1 minute before i lose it, or gain enough self control to count another 24 hours. most days, i'm no longer substantial... just fog rolling through the city. from here to there and back again, without much to say about any of it.

and then something happened tonight. i felt something new, something that wasn't my hands or my head. listening to ani's "you had time". when is a song just a song? those lyrics used to sting. it made me sad, tonight, when i realized i was just singing along, without feeling a thing. i used to feel so much. there is more to now, than stress. there is more to now, than stress. there is more to now, than stress. there is more to san francisco, than what it's lacking. i just need to stop counting and start feeling, again.

ryan and i are getting by on tranquilizers and staring off into space. this is not our life. these are not our lives. this is not who we are. perhaps, what i miss about new orleans, is solely who we were and who we were with. can 80's nights, cajun corner bands, olive trees and key lime cosmos add up to a better well being?

being molested taught me to question everything i know. everyone. in trying to get over it all, perhaps i just subtracted too much from my being. or maybe i have to face the facts. my being is up to me, but influenced by those around me. and the truth of the matter is this; tom and colette made me a better person. i had a decision. i made a choice. and whether i made the right one, i may never know. i do know this, i'll bend bricks to get them in my bed, again. veggo dinners and survivor. i've never felt like i needed much. i've never felt like i needed people. i've always done all right on my own. i think, though, at this point in my life, i need my friends. like tom said, "we still have so much to gain from each other. and i feel like i'll be missing out on so much, if you leave."

i have ryan. i love ryan. i can be an asshole of the grandest kind. i can criticize like no other. sometimes i get quiet. i worry more than i ought to. but i am in love more than i ever have been. sometimes i feel like he doesn't know it. sometimes i feel like i don't show it. things aren't that bad. and things will get better. things aren't that bad. and things will get better. let's make some stories. we'll go to the petting zoo and stuff his pockets with goat feed. i'll eat assorted meats, just to break jen's toilet with torrential shits. she says hers doesn't deserve it... but what comes around goes around. we'll get drunk on boons from paper bags, in the marina, and throw up on all the pretty ladies and their pretty dresses and their fake boobs; like this has-been, at the mint, again. we may be broke, but we're pretty, and sometimes that's enough to buy us a round. we'll stop answering those dreaded phone calls that ruin our days. things aren't that bad. and things will get better.

and in my closing, i realize something. my dad is on my side. my whole youth my mother and her family have tried to turn me against my father. but, he's the one on my side. it makes me so angry how influenced i was, growing up. how i was taught to disregard my father, because he didn't live life the way my mother thought was acceptable. they will always believe that money is everything, and i will always be a loser, because i don't. and i'm okay with that.

all my memories are worth more than a stable, steady income. they don't involve nice things, or fine wines, or even expensive trips. my fondest memories revolve around a table in a bar, or a home, or a park, with my friends. unconditional love is worth so much more than the asking price; and that's the whole thing about it. i could go on for days... but it seems so moot, right now. i'm jumbled.

but, thank god a thousand times for jeff. nevermind what some ghetto bitches in tokyo with an "I" think. i can't wait to be a normal person, again, to prove that i am more than a lump in a slump.

UP, DOWN, AND UNDER THE COVERS

2004-06-03T00:04:00.000-07:00

job interview today. I don’t bullshit when I ought to. I think it’s rude and patronizing. So what do you think? I think I want this job. In fact, excitement has been building throughout this interview. Well then, let me make a few phone calls; but everything looks good. And like that, I’m up off my knees. Ryan and I seem to take turns, though. The job does sound cool. It looks like a great working environment. It’s right up my alley. The girl I’m replacing is wicked deck, and were I straight, I’d be listening to morrissey and dreaming of her sensible shoes. I think she’s reading this. Hello, lily.

We sold darsy on avalon bay. We stopped by, let nancy do her thing, and all fell further in love. If ryan can find a job in the next 3 days... we’re all over that shit in a uhaul kind of way. Yes, yes.

I’m in san jose now. I’ll be doing manual labor with my pretty hands, for the next two days... gotta get paid, man. Gotta get paid. In that disgustingly pathetic way, it’s mine and ryan’s first night apart since he moved to new orleans. I like it better when I can touch him. I like it better. I liked me better when I was in new orleans. California, or stress, has made me a completely different person. A person I was proud not to be, in new orleans. Maybe I just want too damn much. Maybe I was right; geography erodes and erupts different parts of yourself. Let’s paint the town with drunks and dew. Shall we? I’d say it was something else, but I’m sure we’re all tired of hearing names.

I’m happy to fearlessly admit I dig avril lavigne. Well, her new single anyway. When you have a thirteen year old sister, you’ll understand. Whether she believes in what she croons in “don’t tell me”, or is just sending a message to her noticeably young and impressionable audience, I’m not sure... but I respect her for it. It’s nice to hear a pop princess sing about chastity.

spent a good chunk of the evening updating the lyrics page, on joshhallmark.com. a lot of reflective stuff, based on geography and love, as a whole. it's no difranco, but i dig.

i miss my boyfriend.

STUTTER

2004-06-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

i didn't sleep much last night. i overslept. i missed the train. i let the rest of the morning ruminate this on again off again down. i watched hypothetical slideshows in my head, while i stared at the ceiling. i've been doing things i've never done, i've never wanted to; i've been living life in case. you know? rather than thinking this is what i'm going to do; i've been thinking, this is what i'm going to do in case this happens. as a result, i'm never fully aware of what's actually happening. i wake up from a day dream, look around, make sure ryan's ok, and hope i haven't missed a train. i think about susan's email. i think about what we're going to do when we run out of time. where we're going to go? i think about whether ryan would be better off without me, sometimes. i think about how worse off i'd feel, without him. i think about my mother's family, and the damage they have done; to each other, to their kids. i think about my dad's family, and how they may not be wealthy, but at least they're happy. i think about what we'd be doing if we were still in new orleans. if we'd be happier than we are now. i think we might. i think i'm living 5 lives all at once. and i think i lose a little of each one, each day. i think about how i used to be really good at this, and now, now i can't make sense of anything for anyone. i feel like a mooch. i feel like ryan's fed up with me. i feel like an idiot. i feel regret, for maybe the first time ever.

EVERYTHING IN NUMBERS

2004-06-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

10 Bands You've Seen Live

1. Tori Amos
2. Death Cab for Cutie
3. Ani Difranco
4. Sigur Ros
5. Bjork
6. Sarah Harmer
7. Aimee Mann
8. Nickel Creek
9. Lou Reed
10. Fiona Apple

9 Things You're Looking Forward To

1. Avalon at Mission Bay
2. a real job
3. freedom from financial crisis
4. freedom from gwb
5. seeing tom, colette, susan and matt again
6. being able to do something nice for the people who have been so nice to ryan and i
7. a housewarming/homecoming party
8. a lot less stress
9. sleeping in my own bed

8 Things You Wear Daily

1. a vintage t-shirt
2. a belt
3. my ring
4. my beanie
5. ryan's cell phone
6. my wallet (i'm really pushing it here, aren't i?)
7. headphones
8. cologne

7 Things That Annoy You

1. Dubya
2. Republicans
3. Christians
4. Macs
5. suvs
6. open container laws
7. flakiness

6 Things You Touch Every Day

1. ryan
2. toothbrush
3. my lappy
4. toilet
5. my wallet
6. the hearts of thousands

5 Things You Do Every Day

1. eat
2. drink
3. check my email
4. listen to music
5. dream of better times

4 Of Your Favorite Bands or Musicians

1. sarah harmer
2. sigur ros
3. ani difranco
4. postal service

3 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over

1. love, actually
2. lost in translation
3. drop dead gorgeous

2 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment

1. if i ain't got you -alicia keys
2. came on lion -sarah harmer

1 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With

1. ryan

THINGS TO FORGET

2004-05-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

i regret leaving new orleans more and more, with each phone call from my mother. and to think, she was a big part of the reason i moved back.
some days, you wish you had the power to erase people from the earth; others, yourself would be fine enough.
i need a stress-free day and a pick me up.

TRAINS AND TRAINS OF THOUGHT

2004-05-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

trains. more trains. on my last train ride, before new orleans, fran told me to enjoy it, because i wouldn't be on a train, again, anytime soon. and, well, look- here i am, running down the corridor, panting, trying to get my money in and my ticket out of the machine, before the train's doors slide shut with such cruel authority. more and more, i find myself wondering why i'm here. perhaps its the nature of the situation. perhaps i'm just bummed that it was san francisco so fast. more and more, i find myself thinking in terms of geography and its saturation on the soul. of all the places i want to be, this is where i belong; there's just so much more to be, before i become the definite me. as to how far it goes and when it will end, i don't know, but there's a road i need to be on. and i feel like i jipped myself of it. or maybe, maybe i just miss my nola friends. i never thought i could be so rooted in people. i love san francisco, but more and more, see it in terms of how greater it could be with colette, tom, susan and matt. the cold air just isn't as warm as it used to be. now, don't get me wrong, i'm happy to be here. jen and darsy complete what was missing in nola. them alone. and wherever ryan is, is good enough for me. and i suppose its immature and pompous to want everything, all at once, in one place. because, i'm sure then, life would be perfect, and that's impossible and too much for any one person to ask. even though, i know its not asking much. more and more, i see my life in terms of the people i have loved, and the places i have been; not the successes i have made, nor the money i have spent on pointless things that don't mean much of anything. i'm at my best when i am most loved, and love more than i have ever. i guess, without even knowing it, i reached a peak in the lack of topography of the swamps down there. of all the things i've taken for granted... but we're here, and we do what we can. devon's doing better. and ryan and i... we're getting by. by the scruffs of our necks. but by is well enough in times like these, and it gives me something to look forward to. and when things get bad, i subtract him from the equation, and am shattered by how important he is, these days, to the sum of happiness, when things aren't always bells and whistles. when things are rarely bells and whistles. we get to eat, though, and have beers and wine with jen. and i get to listen to sarah harmer, and he doesn't hate me for it; even though, sometimes i feel like he does. and although, more and more, we lose the grace of will; the will is evident more often than not. more and more, i see our relationship in the terms of what we've been through, of what we go through, and less in terms of what we ought to be going through. all you can do is try, and when multiplied by two, and added to the rest of the equation, you get a greater sum. the sum of all things past and what's to come; which will always be greater than one. and, you know, i'm thinking maybe. despite now, just maybe. from way outside, on the tops of the hills, the view of the city is always so pretty. always. and, you know, i'm thinking maybe. i caught the train. i took it for a ride- home.

A LIP-GLOSS BOOST

2004-05-24T17:09:00.000-07:00

i remember romanticism in barely hanging on; if only i could feel it. days go by, and the seeds of recklessness bloom a slight depression. and i just want a fucking beer. when are best intentions murdered for being babies in your head? ryan tries to help. and that should be enough. but, more and more i find myself tense and irritable and lazy and overhwelming. i'm tired of being poor and homeless and restless and a total asshole. i miss colette and tom. i want a dirt road and big trees, and a place to call my own. i'm just crawling out of my skin... that's all.

grace? surrender? engines?

SHOES

2004-05-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

i guess you realize you're in a good place, when you notice yourself trying so much harder than you have in the past, with a greater ease. whereas before, biting your tongue seemed like folding yourself into little origami, that would blow away in the wind. it was a comedown, on the way to nirvana, for joel's birthday party, in jeff's car, wherein i took off my shoes. no need to run. where your barefeet can withstand anything in the distance. i threw them out the window and turned up alicia keys. finally. i'd been waiting, since burgundy and iberville. colette says she hasn't been back there much, since. i say so. about as often as not. it's worth remembering, and most definitely worth repeating. time does not reside on a straight line, nor is anything finite in it's window of occurrance. and we were something to re-live. something to set in stone. there will be a time. eric's gone. didn't even get to say goodbye. it's like wise up, you know, where everyone has gone topsy-turvy. cattywompus. i love that word. there are things i would like to do. so i just fantasize. that's all i can seem to do. now. these days. lately. until. my shoes are off, but i'm keeping my hat on.

CHURCHES AND ALL-NIGHT CAFES

2004-05-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

devon's homeless, and this stresses me out more than my own homelessness. i think because i have resources, and know i'll always have a bed or couch or aerobed. devon's been sleeping in churches and all night cafes. i made a 2:30am/cst call to tom last night, just about pleading with him to give devon and ring and see if he can offer any help. i'm barely at the end of my own rope, and have no slack to offer up to anyone else; otherwise, i'd be offering yards and yards. watching one of your friends transition from stability to homelessness, and having no control over it, is without a doubt, one of the worst feelings in the world. at least he has a job.
the job front for ryan and i is going ok. we moved to sf during a job bomb, but seem to be maintaining a decent calendar of interviews and temp jobs; plus, i always have manual labor and dad. the headhunters keep praising my resume and skills, though, so hopefully i have nothing to worry about and the bright horizon of my head will start to manifest soon.
there's still more, but the pool is warm, and there's margaritas in the blender.

SCRAPBOOK CORNER

2004-05-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

god, it's been so long since i've actually sat down and done this. you know, you have all the time in the world to sit around and whatever; then things start happening and you can't find a minute to collect your thoughts about it all, then transpose them. there's birthday parties, job interviews, train rides, dentist appointments and so forth. i feel more tossed around now, than i had last time i lived up here. as fun and exciting as it is, it makes me miss new orleans a lot. i spent a good chunk of the morning lamenting over just that. i'm sure it's the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing. half my reasons for leaving seem so miniscule and forgotten half the time; but you can't change addition. things make sense because they do, whether you forget or not.
i think a lot about colette, and how i just don't feel as complete without her in my everyday-tangeable life. if life were perfect, scotty could just beam me over every other day; and that would be enough to satiate the majority of my cravings. but, alas, here we are; and i'm ok with that. i just miss. i just think. i just wonder. i worry, sometimes, too.
we're in hollister now, and things are surprisingly ok. i think my mom may actually get it. in fact, i'm having more fun now than i had in previous weekends here. however, as it has been with my mother's family, diplomacy and stability are about as reliable as mother nature, which has been a complete bitch, while we're not-so-quietly awaiting the use of the new pool over here. ain't that the way?
i took my mother to the dentist yesterday because, oh the price of beauty, she damaged a nerve and a dead tooth while getting her teeth professionally bleached. she's been in excruciating pain since. she's been excruciating pain since. she was 42 like 6. kicking, screaming, crying, flinching every time the dentist approached her with anything. i wasn't sure whether i should laugh or cry with shame. i jokingly asked them to sew her mouth shut; i'm pretty sure the desire was less than a joke to the dentist and his assistant. "are you done yet?" "are you done yet?" "are you done yet?". over and over, again and again. it's humorous, though, for me. it all is. afterwards, i drove her to scrapbook corner. it's llike my kryptonite. it's the bane of my existance. scrapbook corner makes me want to claw my eyes out. it's the mormon homemaker's dream come true. all stickers and pretty parchment paper and badges and everything some asswipe needs to cut and paste their kids into a book that every guest spends thirty-five miserable minutes thumming through, with some big stupid grin and the obligatory, "ooh, that's a cute photo. where's that taken at?" now, my mother is by no means one of these scrapbook morons. thank god. i'd kill myself. she's just cheap; and since scrapbook corner is going out of business (praise allah), they're having this big sale. i'm sure the town's mormon ladies had like a fucking bake sale to raise money for my own private teallestial kingdom; but no one in town trusts the mormons, despite the fact that they make up 35% of hollister's population. so, anyhow, it's going away, and mother is celebrating this by dragging ryan, my sister and i there, as much as humanly possible, to buy cheap shit she'll never in her life use. who needs 26 cartoon fish cut-outs? who?!?
so we're at scrapbook corner. and let me just say, i was woken up at 9am to drive my mother to the dentist. i didn't get to shower. i didn't even get to shit. then i had to spend 40 minutes watching my mother act like a dog at the vet. and now, now i'm at scrapbook fucking corner, feeling oily and tired. and i have to shit. i wanted to suffocate myself with a booklet of mrs. johnson's cupcake stickers. just wrap each roll around my face until i could no longer breathe, and then drop dead on the tacky indoor-outdoor carpet of scrapbook fucking corner. the trip to hell would, at least then, be short and sweet. instead, i watched my mother prance around with stickers and a novacaine-induced lisp, until she fell flat on her face. literally. again, i was faced with the decision to either laugh or cry with shame, as my mother laid on the floor, reaching up for help. i did a little of both, as some mormon onlooker in mom pants and a fucking lycra vest sat astonished at her scrapbook workshop table. all the mormon women in town hate my mother, because she's loud and crass and rude and everything i love and and shamed by about her. so the woman in mom pants and the fucking lycra vest neither laughed nor helped, but simply scoffed. bitch. thou shalt not judge, or some stupid shit like that.
and i have much more to write, but i hate reading long posts, so i'll do y'all a favor and shut up. there will be more later.

ISN'T SHE LOVELY?

2004-05-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

ryan and i spent the afternoon making her over.
what do you think?

I CROSS MY TOES

2004-05-16T01:13:00.000-07:00

but i don't care, it was so calm. and i knew i couldn't stay forever. knew i'd get some things together and move on. and for now i'm out at the hideout. far enough outside of town. you can come, you can stay, if there's something you need to get away from.

thank you, sarah harmer. thank you for reminding me. for realizations. for your amazing voice, and one of the best shows i've been to.

today was one of those days that really tops the charts. despite a choppy morning. darsy, ryan and i met matt and jen for lunch at rendezous in polk gulch. i love slumming in the old hood. i love my friends. there's nothing like sitting across from some of the most amazing faces you've ever been lucky enough to see, let alone learn and know. after lunch, darsy, jen, ryan and i headed across the bridge and over to stinson beach. we ate sand and took silly photos. on our way back to the city, we stopped in sausalito for the biggest ice cream cone i've ever seen. let alone conquered. san francisco looks so colossal from the quaint little shores of sausalito. you forget how big, sometimes.

after sausalito, darsy dropped jen, ryan and i at the independent for the sarah harmer show. i waivered on going, even though she's one of my favorites and i'd never seen her. being broke and incomeless isn't exactly a great way to drop $30 on a show. but sarah was amazing, and well worth the money. each of her songs reminds me of different parts of my past. "basement apartment" makes me think of the bitter-sweet days when we were all kind of falling apart on fulton, in a basement apartment that was always kind of falling apart. "around this corner" reminds me of san francisco; falling in love with it, seeing parts of my past in it. "the hideout" made me think of my time in new orleans, closing certain doors so i could open new ones. and "coffee stain"... one of my favorite songs. ever. it hurts, but it feels so good.

and now i ought to go to bed... bay to breakers party first thing in the morning.

3 of my 5 favorite people, all together today. i was so happy. but i missed colette and tom, so much.

5 DAYS TILL?

2004-05-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

things suck. and i have a heavy heart. and the whole thing about it is, it's my fault. i did this. and it isn't fair, because i didn't just do it to myself, ryan's been stuck in the passenger seat for all my follies.

i feel defeated; but i'm going to fix this. sometimes you just get so caught up in trying to make things perfect, that you don't realize you're only fucking them up. i've been stupid and i've been reckless, and now hopefully i've learned my lesson before we're both completely derailed by the failures that have amounted to it.

TURN AROUND BRIGHT EYES

2004-05-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

we were walking through bernal heights, back to jeff's, in silence. i was thinking about a post on defecation, in response to jen's yesterday. and, well, the silence was broken. by what? you ask...

by "total eclipse of the heart". sung through an open window, above us. by a man. by a tone-def man. by a tone-def man with a really heavy mexican accent. really loudly. adlibbing over the instrumentals. and singing the incorrect words. singing his heart out. proclaiming a broken heart, through song (and we can only hope for comedies sake, through interpretive dance, as well). ryan and i both, immediately, broke out into hysterics.

god bless america.
and now i must go, 'cause pee-wees big adventure is on, and i've never seen it.

BETTER

2004-05-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

it's always when i'm having the time of my life that i come upon great realizations. tonight, i looked around at my friends, past and new, having the times of their lives and realized it's enough. i'm happy when i'm with these people, and that means more than stability or shelter. like i said, when you have people who you love, who love and understand you, everything else just falls into place. i'm not afraid, because of my friends.

when i'm over involved in my family's problems, i become a person i don't like. i get sucked into it. my friends know that i only act out when i'm protecting my loved ones and/or myself. the fact that my family questions my intentions, or folds under pressure, shows me who is the healthier to be around. so, ryan and i are leaving hollister. we have no where firm to set up camp, but lately, that seems to have more stability than living on the broken glass of pleasing my mother and her every whims.

happiness is more important than stability. so things may be rough, and we may be vagabonds, and we may have no idea where we're living next... but we'll be happier people doing it.

my family has taken us in, and i appreciate them for it. but, with my family, extra and intermediate, everything comes with a price and a condition, and all at the cost of keeping up appearances. being there for the short time was great, but when it came down to it, my mother made a choice that i couldn't live with, and refuse to subject myself to. being in new orleans was so easy and drama free, i can't allow myself to exist in anymore dramatic situations, despite what little stability may be imbedded in them.

for once, though, i really have appreciated ron; and grown closer to my sister. he's defended me, against my mother; which has really made me feel redeemable, in times when she's made me feel like an absolute piece of shit (which she's so good at doing). and my sister really is a cool chick. i admire her wit and her strength of character, and even her sensibility and loyalty.

all the changes and problems this year have taught me so much about myself and how i can grow and adapt from anything. and ryan. ryan. i just can't articulate how strong and righteous he makes me feel. he's my rock, and i don't think i express that to him enough.

anyhow, ryan, devon, jen, eric and i had a ball at the mint. the only things missing her colette and tom. but even in trying times, things are great, and looking up.

CHOCOLATE-COVERED DEATH

2004-05-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

no. no. no. drinking a glass of oj will not negate the fact that i've now had a donut two days in a row. jeff lives dangerously close to a dirt cheap donut shop, and it's bad news for all. at one point, i sat there, staring the remaining bites of the chocolate twist down, with vast contempt. i thought, "if eat anymore, i'm going to throw up. i really am." whether it's to my misfortune or not, i did not throw up.

on today's agenda? setting appts with some temp agencies and showing ryan the golden gate and all it's majesty, or some shit. and tonight... the mint. i'm so excited. other than that, i'd like to run into some people today.

on another note, i heart jeff's shower. i could spend all day in there.

WERE WE JUST ON COPS?

2004-05-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

evidently, two cops just saved our lives. ummm, i'm not convinced. they did, however save us some time and effort, by driving us back to bernal heights, from east potrero hill. connecticut street- we're thugs. they educated us on the san francisco gang situation. they put us in the know, yo. ryan was a little scared, and i was like whatever. i'm not sure if it's my inability to accept my mortality, or if it's my sensibility and confidence, but not much skerrs me.

i did come upon one realization tonight... i need to be far away from my family. all my time in new orleans, i was so much more laid back and relaxed and calm. you get me near my family and instantaneously drama, angst and anger boil within. i never even thought about my family nor their problems while in nola; but as soon as i land in the bay area, i'm all over going house on my aunt (saying things i've never said to anyone, at my meanest). all in all, we need to get out of hollister before we both go crazy. my intermediate family is doing pretty well (my mom and i bicker every now and again, but ron and kelsey are great). it's just we're in the boondocks of the boondocks, with no transport. and i need to get out of the family loop... it makes me crazy and uptight.

luckily, things are on an upswing. ryan and i are staying at jeff's place, while he's in tucson. so, we're in the city for at least a week, timed perfectly with devon's arrival and a few other things. it's been swell. we just need to get ourselves some jobs or unemployment checks or something. anyhow, god bless jeff. i just don't know what we'll do next week, short of ending up in a rubber room.

my dad's family, though... they crack my shit up.

AND THEN SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS

2004-05-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

after months and months of cravings, i finally get myself to sweet inspiration bakery for some princess cake. and guess what. it's no more. capoot. done for. "you might be able to special order a whole cake, but we no longer carry them here."
i could have and almost died. life isn't supposed to be this way. it's so unfair. colette! tell your mom to start baking.
i swear, i'm going to die.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COLETTE

2004-05-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

you can always tell when i've been drinking, by my blog posts. yeah- last night we were drunk monkeys. so drunk, i felt the need to call my aunt, on mother's day, and let her know what a huge bitch she is. i'm classy like that. long story. i'm just not down with people manipulating others with bullshit. sometimes, it's liberating just to get all that shit off your chest. she's the only person in the world that i can honestly say i dislike. well, her and boston rob. could you believe that shit last night? my aunt called back during survivor, and i was like no bitch you ain't making me miss my show... i think that may have added to the sleugh of mean words that later erupted. later, as in after the reunion show. bitch.
so, i'm torn on who i want to cast my you-deserved-to-win pity vote for. either kathy or jerri. kathy because she played a great game, or jerri, because i like her and feel bad for her. suggestions? i know it's coming down to kathy or rupert, so a vote for jerri would be moot- i just like to cheer on the underdog.

it's cute in the morning when he walks around in a beanie, tshirt and underwear.

AMBER WON

2004-05-09T23:28:00.000-07:00

tonight i am proud of myself. not only because i successfully predicted who would win survivor, before the season began, but because i stood firm with my convictions... something i struggled with growing up. i laid it all out, without any regret. there are few things greater than that feeling.

on the downside, i accidently put my cell phone in the washing machine. please email me your phone numbers.

cheers,
j

ps. blogger needs to stop fucking with it's template.

2004-05-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

why am i an epicenter for disaster? why do i put my head into my hands? why do i exhale so forcefully? why do i always wonder where you've been? why am i so irritable? and why are you so sensitive? and what's tomorrow, when every day is any day? why do we mistake every other glance? why do i win at every game? just so you know, sometimes i'd like to lose. why do i need so much space? and when are we getting out of this place? and where are tom and colette when you need 'em? when's the next adventure? i'm not depressed, just ready for the next adventure. pictures. i fold in half so easily, when i put myself in pictures of success.

build your own television receiver
staying home can't be that bad for me
cause i'm not scared
but i'd like some extra spare time
easily earn me big money
i'm a modern girl but i fold in half so easily
when i put myself in the picture of success
i could learn world trade
or try to map the ocean
when you're dead
in hospitals and freeways
when you're dead
in resting homes and clinics
when you're dead
it must be nice to finish
when you're dead
i've had it with you
and mexico can fucking wait
and all of those french films about trains
cause i'm not scared
but i'd like some extra spare time
i'm not scared
but the bills keep changing colors
when you're dead
in hospitals and freeways
when you're dead
in dress shirts and neckties
when you're dead
in apartments and on beaches
when you're dead
they say california is a recipe for a black hole
and i say i've got my best shoes on
i'm ready to go (ready to go)
ready to go
ready to go
i'm ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
i'm ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
i'm ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
ready to go
i'm ready to go
these are times that can't be weathered and
we have never been back there since then
these are times that can't be weathered and
we have never been back there since then
these are times that can't be weathered and
we have never been back there since then
these are times that can't be weathered and
we have never been back there since then
-rilo kiley, "pictures of success"

STILL-LIFE MOVING, WITH SYMPHONIES

2004-05-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

picture me, with pictures of success. prices have dropped. people have changed. it seems everybody just wants to get by, instead of have a good time. i sit on the carpet, run my fingers through it's threads, remember little dreams. doodling on graph paper. thinking big. sfia. cherry blossoms blossoming. somjai sethboonwas. rilo kiley on hyde. banana ice cream. mimosas in bed. cruising the fairways. walking new york city alone. things i don't know. things i hope i'll know. all the energy it takes to feel these things. so unwasted. so beautiful. for all the things i want to know, there was a place so perfect. there have been places so perfect. and i know. little dreams. it all comes to life so suddenly. most days i just fantasize. but, you know. still-life mosaics that are supposed to mean something. thinking about the phone ringing. i'm not sure what i'm waiting for. that's improper... but i don't care. i rarely do. these things are sun damaged, crinkled, torn... but there are images you just don't forget. go ahead. build your own empire, out of magazine clippings and radiowaves and ghost faces. we're all a little better off these days. i've got lots of space. and i've got lots of time. and i'm not scared. freeways. thick dividers. corrupting all the air. junky little hillside houses with beautiful views, that you'll never see; that you'll always judge. as they scream welcome to the big freeways rolling on in. go ahead. this is what i see. picture me, with pictures of success. things keep changing. things will keep changing. and i adapt the adaptation in my head. i'm a modern guy, but you fold in half so easily. we're all haunted by our own pictures; picutures that add up to success. keep adding, till it comes out even. little dreams. hands down, the realest things i know.

JUST WHAT HAPPENED

2004-05-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

truth be told, everything that isn't now, seems like a million years ago. it's so strange how tightly i hold onto people from my past. is it just me? that's the trouble these days, you never know if it's just you. i've been dreaming. lots of dreams. all of them with large groups of my loved ones, past and present. what it means to be who you've been and who've you become, all at once. my big mistakes have always been getting caught up in now and forgetting about then. not holding onto the people who have shaped me; the people who could have shaped me, had i given them the chance. i've hurt people. i've alienated myself. i've taken myself for granted; unaware of what i really meant to people. there's a fine line between what you ought to compromise for, and what's worth compromising. there's a finer line between who you've been and who you've become, when all you know is really all you are. we forget. we forget moments. we forget places. we forget people. and that's the greatest crime of my life. for all that i am, and for all that i love, i only wish i had appreciated the value of... everything: moment, place, person.
i haven't been fair, and i've lost a lot. there's so much that i love, but there's so much that i miss. and i guess that's the consequence of actually feeling. i'm overwhelmed by all that i can and cannot have, all at once. there is more to hold onto in this world than i could ever fit in my little hands.
all i am is manifesting what i've loved. sometimes more. sometimes not. there are more shades of grey than memories eroding.
fuck millions. fuck fancy cars and traveling far and all these things we all want so bad. if i could have just one thing in this life, it would everyone i've ever loved, all in one place, in one peace, for as long as i could handle it without my heart exploding. i've missed you.
i spend most of my time falling in love with the people i've loved; with the people i love. and i still have so much to learn. i am so small, but i have a good handle on what i know and who i am and how i want to live, and that's more than a lot can say. and i'm blessed, everyday, for that and the people who i can fit in my little hands.

i sure do love those red-haired girls. i'm just another boy from texas. come on and take a spin, i've got brand new set of wings.

ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO?

2004-05-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

i have lots to write about my first night back in sf. until then...

devon's moving to sf! like... tomorrow! yay!

OUT PAST THE FOUNTAIN

2004-05-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

the greatest gift new orleans gave me was a greater appreciation for love. i learned so much from my friendships there. i miss tom and colette everyday. when i decided i was coming back to california, i set aside one goal, and one goal only: build new and strengthen old friendships. new orleans taught me that there is nothing greater than the people you love, who love you in return. nothing. if you have strong relationships, everything else will fall into place. san francisco, the first time around, i always had my eyes on the possible boyfriends. guys i met were first and foremost considered as boyfriend material, and by the time all considerations were done, i hgad fucked up any chance at friendship. being in a relationship with someone who was no where around, helped me create strong, meaningful friendships... helped me fully appreciate them. it wasn't so much new orleans, but tom and colette who changed my life.

so, i'm back; and for the first time, ever, my friends and family are the most important thing to me. there will be time for everything else, but right now (my only guarunteed time) is reserved for everything important.

no plans. no money. no ideas. no worries.

2004-04-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

THE HARDEST QUIZ YET
Let's Cut the Crap

2004-04-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

THE PICTURE KEEPS GETTING BIGGER
we're here. the drive was long and rough. i got my first ticket. ever. i was pissed. 90 in a 75. fucking texas cops. ryan got pulled over 30 minutes later, for doing 80 in a 75. the cops wanted to be our best friends, or something. dude, i don't want to be your friend. friends don't write other friends tickets. ass. we were supposed to go to san francisco today, but it's just not happening. we'll head up on monday. it's good to be here. very good. i felt my heart double over while stopping at a mcdonalds off the grapevine, we found garden burgers on the menu.
it's good to be with my family, and even kind of nice to be in hollister. it's even good to see that fucking dog.
more to come. we're off.

2004-04-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

HOMEBOUND
internet is down. after survivor, cable will be off. and tomorrow morning, we'll be on the road. houston to tucson to phoenix to LA to SF. although i'm starting to think about all that i'll miss, here in nola; my excitement for the city by the bay is unbearable. frjtz and jen and farmer's market and muni metro and sigh. i'm coming home.

2004-04-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

NEW QUIZ POSTED
http://www.jayohesaich.friendtest.com

2004-04-19T10:10:00.000-07:00

BLANKETS OVER OUR FACES
yesterday is how i'll remember new orleans. it was a great day. a great one. and at the end of the day, with all it's greatness, i still knew i needed to go. all the glass fell from my numb hands.

tom made it abundantly clear that he wasn't ready for me to go. there was even hostility in his voice, as we sat in the popbar. he brought up some really good points; but the heart just doesn't map itself on good points.

i love my friends here. so much. tom has helped make me a better person. colette has made me see parts of myself i never would have; made me realize beautiful pieces of myself i wouldn't have otherwise seen. susan has taught me that you can be crass and vulgur and fun and still maintain integrity and sense. new orleans has given me more confidence. it's people aren't afraid of much. and my friends, all of them, have without fear, gone after whatever they've wanted. sometimes this existance is dreamlike, because i can't even relate to you how close to perfect these moments have come.

it would have been easy to stay. in fact, leaving is the harder task. i've become somewhat of a big fish in a little pond here. i drink for free, i get stopped on the streets, i'm a curiosity to many, and i can do whatever i want here. i'd be lying if i said this wasn't all nice. i know that staying would only enhance this. i know i would secretly love it. there's just more to life than networking and popularity and what you can get. it's who you are and what you can make of it, that's important. i could float for years here, feeling comfortable; feeling special... feeling like my feet had fallen asleep. new orleans truely is a siren. but my heart beats with the uphill climb of my footsteps, in san francisco.

i talked with erin, who's traveled all over, last night. and we both agreed that maybe, just maybe, in spite of all that we have and haven't seen, maybe by some miracle of fate, we got it right the first time around. or maybe your heart knows what's best for you, and that i needed new orleans then, just as much as i need san francisco again. that sometimes you can't learn everything all at once, and you need to find more lessons elsewhere, before you can continue on where you are.

and san francisco won't be the be-all, end-all. i'll leave it again, and return again. there's still places i need to be; pieces of myself i need to find in other places. new york and anchorage aren't too far ahead. i can feel them, too... it's just that san francisco ruminates with such fierce flawlessness right now. i need to be the person i've become, in new orleans, in san francisco for now.

since i've been here, i've recalculated past relationships, without knowing why. and now i see that i never could make the most of them. there are people i have more to learn and grow from. talking with erin and toby and jen and sasha solidified this.

i haven't been able to write since i've been here. neither has ryan. i need to go home, cut out all the bullshit that was there before, and write. i have so much to say. i've done things i never thought i'd do. i've been places i never thought i'd be. i've met people i never thought could exist. i've put things behind me, that i thought would forever be with me.

my only wish here, is that i've been as influential on colette and tom as they have on me. i love the two of them more than i could ever possibly articulate. so much more. i know tom will be mad, disappointed, unimpressed. but i also know, deep down, under all his disapproval, resides a small place where he understands; where he sees the big picture and is even allured by it.

i get drunk and mouth off and act like an ass and end up laying on the hood of someone's car, parked outside angeli's... and i stare up at the sky and know...

how strange the sound.

30 isn't far. and beyond that? no guaruntees. none.

2004-04-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

TRAVEL?
we're leaving... for sf, at the end of this week. yay. everything is arranged and ready to go. anyone looking for housemates?

2004-04-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

DRUNK DATE
popbar. popbar was a great taste of home. it's this great cross of the amber room and the lush bar. it made me feel like i was back in sf. ryan and i talked about our favorite bars in our respective homes. we talked about our relationship and how strange it is that we've been together for 6 months. it feels like 6 weeks, most times. we talked about living in sf. how much he'd like jen. all that good stuff. we talked about how tiring new orleans is. and with all this talk of sf bar hopping, i came about a realization... new orleans isn't nearly as debaucherous as sf. i don't have any good stories here... not like my sf stories. here, it's like- we got so drunk, we threw up then passed out. home, it was like- we got so drunk, we ended up in some random apartment, and woke up having no idea where we were or how to get home. or... we got so drunk, i got kicked out of the bar for dancing on the pool table while some lesbian tried to take my clothes off with her teeth. or... i got so drunk, i fell off the roof of walgreens. for what is supposed to be the craziest city in the u.s., i have seen nothing all that crazy; just a bunch of hustlers, prostitutes and thieves. there's a complete lack of creativity here. every bar is the same. every story is the same. nothing really sticks out here. except the popbar.

i posted a craigslist ad for our apartment, today. san francisco- here we come. i miss my lo.j.

2004-04-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

CLOSE YOUR EYES
every time i wake up, in the middle of the night, i find ryan staring at the ceiling, almost tortured. and i wonder...
in all that i try and all that i don't know how to be, is there something i am not? and why do i take on all the bad in each room, sometimes? in all that i know and know how to be, there will never be enough to circumvent the fear of all that i don't, with the people i love.

that i could make it better with a touch.

mercury is in retrograde.

and i keep having this vision, and it keeps getting longer. and i keep wondering... i woke up startled and short of breath, surging forward. shadows and rats and all that isn't what it seems, lurking in the dark.

2004-04-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

FACES
i don't know how to be this person. this person who talks to everyone, all day long. small talk. god, i hate small talk. this person who knows the whole neighborhood; who smiles and waves and gets roped into conversations block after block, on the 3 block walk home from work. i work work work, talk talk talk; 6 days a week, 9 hours a day. breakfast? too early. lunch? too tired. it's all so mind numbing. i try not to complain, though. i'm making good money, even working the crappiest of shifts. and it's a job. a real job. look, i'm a grown-up again. or something like it, anyway. it's really starting to effect my real life, though. i get home, and i'm exhausted and have talked myself dry. after all the strangers and acquaintances, i want my loved ones... problem is, it's hard enough trying not to fall asleep at the wheel. i'm just not a schmooze. and the deepest conversation i've had at the bar yet, was astrology. this job is not conducive to being me. thank god for ryan.

dr. love came in today. he's much better sober. and with the crowd i had going, he was a sight for sore eyes. you'd think it was a full moon with all the crazies out this morning.

and now... now i feel like my head is going to explode. i wish it would.

i got an email from neil. he's built a life out of being the archive of our failure. i want to hear his stories. i want to share mine. he wants me to stop emailing him. he wants me out of his life, permanently. he says it's too hard for him. it's been over a year and a half... what am i that it would take that long, and this much distance and still not be over it all? how do you just let go to something that was such a huge part of your life, for so long?

i don't know what i need more: a nap or a cocktail?

in the garden, there is this beautiful apple...

2004-04-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE
never fails- i go uptown, i fall back in love. well, not necessarily fall in love, but fall out of complacency and into contentment. ryan's mom won't take us, and ckr won't take me... so we've got some time before heading anywhere. it looks like closer to june, so we can build our little nest egg.

ryan and i had coffee with susan, this afternoon. the more time i spend with her, the more i like her. we discussed san francisco, my 80's ignorance, real estate, stupid boys, avenue d, and this saturday's pub crawl. oh, you just want to have a good time, just like everybody else.

spent a good chunk of the afternoon with my head in my hands over the way i used to be. the perpetual, self-induced drama that just went on and on and on and on. then you find yourself, and find your love and everything else just floats away. the drama stops. and all that time you believed you were a victim of circumstance, you were actually the villian. i guess we've all got a slaughterhouse of shame to get over.

colette's doing her thing with the boys. i remember that place. trying to be the last one on the island. starving for something to prove; to prove to yourself. starving, when there's a whole feast to satiate what you think you need. enough is never all that much, or all that hard to find. less is more. sometimes it takes someone else's selfishness for me to realize this. for all the things this is not, there's a whole world of candy bars and race cars and pumpkin pies doing fine, underneath my mountains of expectations, comparisons, and self-imbued compromises. i still know what i want, though.

sometimes i just need to stop, relax and have a sip of something. so do you.

to be honest, none of us ever liked him much.

she was hungry so hungry
and she was trying to think clear
but she kept opening the fridge door
and looking at the mustard and the beer
and then finally she went out into the rain
carrying her bicycle chain
and her feet worked the pedals
while her appetite steered
and after that she just followed her nose
cuz fate is not just whose cooking smells good
but which way the wind blows

she laid down in her party dress and never got up
needless to say she missed the party
she just got sad
then she got stuck
she was wincing like something brittle
trying hard to bend
she was numb with the terror
of losing her best friend
but she never sees things changing
she only sees them ending
and some vicious whispering voice
keeps saying you have no choice

cuz when i look at you i squint
you are that beautiful
and my pussy is a tractor
and this is a tractor pull
i'm haunted by my illicit, explicit dreams
and i can't really wake up
so i just drift in between
thinking the glass is half empty
and thinking it's not quite full

the pouring rain is no place for a bicycle ride
try to hit the breaks
and you slide
and you slide
and you slide
-ani d, "slide"

2004-04-09T00:24:00.000-07:00

THINGS
come a little bit closer. sometimes it all feels like it's just a dream. and, i don't know, i'm just going going...
the illusions of actually existing.

2004-04-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

HOME
there's so much more out there.

i'm tired. it's been tiring- all this. my family leaves tomorrow morning, and i'm not ready for them to go home. home... having my family here only cemented the feeling that this is not home. i don't need, but want, to be close to them. closer; in distance and in relation. my sister is thirteen. these are some of her most formative years, and i know very little. when we all said our goodbyes tonight, a sadness overwhelmed me. all these things i don't see and i don't know.

luckily, before all this, ryan and i already had a plan. i'm happy here. i'm glad i'm here. ryan's happy here. he's glad to be here. here is great... but it just does not satisfy our thirsts. it's something pretty to look at, but will never evoke anything deep and meaningful. so, our plan is june or july. then we go to anchorage for a few months. then, i think, home. home or new york is where i'm at. family and friends, or more adventure. there are reasons to be everywhere; but love is pretty intense. my sister's growing up, and i'm missing out on it. i don't even know what to say to her half the time. she misses me. she wants to me talk to her, to spend time with her; and i don't know what to say. i miss jen. the way we were. wine nights. coffee talk. making fun of ourselves. subways and skyscrapers. lots and lots of water. mountains. hills. views.

new orleans is great fun. it's beautiful. it's full of characters; and i've experienced a lot. there's only so far it can take you, though. frankie and i had a long talk about it, the other day (when he spent my whole shift with me). it's a great place to be for a while, somewhere everyone should experience... but after a while, you either get trapped in the mobius loop of carelessness and partying, or you just lose sight of the bigger picture. one way or the other, you lose yourself. intellectually, the sparks add up to very little light in the dark narrow streets where hustlers and whores are just any old thing. people don't vote or recycle and even the conservation ads talk about saving louisiana's wetlands so "we don't lose our only off-shore oil drilling site". and you can't make a life out of the service industry. you have to grow up sometime. and bartending has taught me a lot, made me more sociable, and manages to remain fun 50% of the time. the gay community isn't much of anything positive; and immersion within seems to make the head real thick and the heart real thin. there are things i don't want to be, and i see them everyday.

and there are things i don't want to leave. and i feel like there's so much more out there for them. that hearts might come alive, somewhere way out there, where having a cause isn't so much of a bad thing. i can only open my own eyes, though. sometimes people want what seems so impossible want. i just... this isn't a passionate, stimulating city. fun is great and all, but there's got to be more... for me. i'd much rather be a little fish, in a big pond full of bigger possibilities. like i've always said, there's a little bit of everyone everywhere. i found my pieces of me here. and i know there's pieces of t and c out there. so much inside them, ready to manifest. perhaps i believe in too much. perhaps i want too much for others. perhaps, little is enough when it's all you know. mona lisa smile.

i'm ready, though. if i had the money and ryan had the time, tomorrow.

i'm in love... and that gets me through.

colette's been quiet. doing her own thing. i tiptoe, because enough is enough sometimes; and i know what it's like to hear one more negativity.

there's so much more out there.

2004-04-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

SIGN THE MAP
at the bottom of my links. do it.

2004-04-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

GLANCES
one thing i've learned, is that what's best for you, usually won't hurt anyone else.

35 years ago, we started this electronic revolution, under the guise that it was best for everyone. we killed killed killed the earth, for the better of man. now we all have cancer, and much of the earth, that might have saved us, is dead.

usually, those small stickler details are what kill us in the end. it's mobius. cyclical.

we build build build on what we take, and when it's taken from us, we're left with mass destruction. fallen empires, if you will.

careful what you wish for, i suppose. i worry.

2004-04-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

DREAMS
i just keep telling myself whitney houston isn't really a nice, misunderstood lady. she is a bitch.

the boyfriend just got back from the store with lots of fruit and vegetables... to rip to shreds in the juicer that dad delivered friday. yes!

juicer. bigger, badder tv. the buddha. a vcr. my cd collection. skateboard. and lots and lots of books.

tomorrow, dad leaves and mom comes. between blaming me for her marital problems and picking an ignorant, needless fight the other night, i've lost most of my excitement over her visit.

i forgot to throw myself a going away party (for my move to st. paul), because i was having a picnic on a dolores street median, with drew.
this was after i got stuck in an elevator with whitney houston.

2004-04-02T10:16:00.000-08:00

DRUNKS ARE SO ELOQUENT
so, i'm not allowed to write about my parents anymore, because, evidently, my blog is ruining their marriage. and at the risk of missing out on lots of great responses to this complaint, i'll quit while i'm still somewhat ahead, and before they end up in therapy over this little old thing that like one six hundred millionth of the world sees. my words control the fate of all, y'all... so be warned.

last night, we four hookers (being colette, susan, ryan and myself) rocked what might have been the last 80's night. rumors abound about new management and some shit some shit some shit. anyhow, with such youthful naivety and adult resistance to the gossip-train, i'll forget it till neon socks and stevie nicks are things of the past. neon socks, bitches. well, we all got a little too drunk, after the pre-party at good friends, which was obligatory, since tom had to work instead of perform the weekly ritual with the rest of us. so what was meant to be dancing like assholes became some dry-hump orgy, which conjealed into susan making nice with some guy, ryan looking dizzy, colette looking lost, and me feeling the need to puke my brains out (which, much to my fortune, i did not). ryan and colette both managed to use colette's outfit as a canvas for some arte de booze exhibition. i managed to only spend $4 all night. and in the great words of two brilliant wordsmiths, avenue d, don't get too drunk to fuck. oh, and ryan and colette successfully danced themselves into the dance floor. it was... hot?

work. work has become this surreal platform for my own selfish mockery of the human condition at it's most pathetic. although the tips suck ass compared to other shifts, my 5a-1p brings amusement that one cannot easily get anywhere else. crackheads, transvestite hookers, voodoo kings, drunk old men desperate for sex. these gems are priceless, once you've been able to desensitize yourself to the complete lack of respect these characters possess. i've heard and seen things that would make sam kinison shutter with embarrassment and shame. i've already started saving napkins scribbled with drunken notes for me. here are a few:

"hello,
c'est christon, at 1hr, come over to my house ___ bourbon #2. no pressure @ all, we like to make new friends. *when u get off wurk!!!"

"[name of note-writer]
chef at [local restaurant]
[cell phone number]
[work phone number]
will give you great deal"

"i went to powder
could not get nothing
but hard
if you want
a good blast
just tell me
and don't tell no one"
he's so tori amos, with his mystifying haikues.

i also got a hello kitty notebook, full of hand-written coupons like: good for one visit to the zoo, with me
it ended with: good for activity of your choice, with me. i wonder where that one's going?

the conversations, though, are the best. unfortunately, there's no way to ever transcribe them all. so, i'll leave you with the most quotted.referenced one:

(phone call at the bar)
me: good morning, good friends bar.
bret: hello, this is bret. i'm straight and all. but i'm in town for the day, and just want to check things out. do hot young boys hang out there?
me: yeah, they come in every now and again. you should come check it out.
bret: what time do the hot young boys come in?
me: they come in, sporadically, all day.
bret: ok. i'll be in, in a little biy.

(bret arrives at the bar. he's short, stocky, in his 50's, and resembles a lumberjack.)
bret: hi. i'm bret; i called earlier.
me: oh. hi, bret. how are you this morning?
bret: i'm good. where are all the hot young boys?
me: well, it's still pretty early. but they're in and out, pretty much, all day. can i get you something to drink?
(he orders a beer)
bret: well, where else might i be able to find some hot young boys?
me: well, you might want to check out rawhide or lafitte's.
bret: will there be hot young boys there now?
me: maybe. it is pretty early, but you might want to check. i'm sure if you wait around here, though, and have another drink, some will come in, though.
bret: well, i think i'll go check those bars out, then come back.

(bret returns, about 20 minutes later)
bret: did any hot young boys come in while i was gone?
me: yeah, actually; a few did.
bret: where'd they go?
me: i'm not sure. they'll probably be back in, though.
bret: were they hot young boys that would like a guy like me?
me: i don't know. but, why don't i get you a drink. i'm sure a few more will be in soon.
(bret has another beer, then heads out to some other bars in search of... hot young boys)

(phone call, about 30 minutes later)
me: good morning, good friends bar.
bret: hey, it's bret, again. any hot young boys in right now?
me: well, it's pretty much the same crowd that was here earlier.
bret: oh. ok. well, let me give you my number, and can you call me if any hot young boys come in?
me: ummm... sure.
bret: ok. thanks.

(phone call, about 5 minutes later)
me: good morning, good friends bar.
bret hey, it's bret, again. what time do you get off work?
me: well, i get off at 1; but i have a boyfriend.
bret: oh, ok. well... what's your boyfriend doing right now?
me: ummm... he's busy, bret.
bret: oh, ok. i understand.

(phone call, about 15 minutes later)
me: good morning, good friends bar.
bret: hey josh, i'm sitting on my bed, in my hotel room, naked... stroking my cock. how does that make you feel?
me: ummm... it's real busy. i gotta go.

i swear to christ. i'm sitting on my bed, in my hotel room, naked... stroking my cock. how does that make you feel?
it makes me feel like i want to cut off my penis and jab my eyes out with it.

2004-04-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

REAL QUICK
in a moment of weakness, i had meat last night. let me just say, never again. my stomach hated me.

whenever i'm uptown, i fall in love with this city; then i get back to the disneyland of the quarter and count the days till my lease is up. last night, ryan and i walked around, pointing out the houses we were gonna buy; painting pictures of a life we might live.

anyhow, i have lots of great bar stories, and even more disgusting lovey-dovey bullshit on how great things are. but i'll save that for another time, because i'm dirty and hungry.

2004-03-27T14:55:00.000-08:00

TIME HAS TOLD ME

Nick Drake

Which clinically depressed singer\songwriter are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i have a new quiz posted (at left), as well.

2004-03-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

COLD FEET ON THE STICKY FLOOR
open your eyes.

it's weird, how sometimes you can wake up in a whole different place, without ever moving, without even trying. oops... how'd i get here? somehow, suddenly this is all mine. i walk down the streets, doing laundry, and people know me. they smile, they wave, they say hello. early mornings in the bar, people i don't even know that well ask how many more days till my boyfriend moves in. early afternoons in the bar, people ask me if i'm gay, because so and so said so and so saw me making out with some brown-haired girl down at the 735. dirrty dancing in a cage, after too many drinks. too many drinks. and my throat hurts.

i've been out and around. having drinks with blake and swamp donkey and spencer. drinking myself into the kitchen floor. key lime martinis. i finally got some sleep last night. sun-thurs left me with a combined 12 hours. last night? last night i slept 16. thank god. even tom was like, "umm, you look pretty tired. i've never seen your eyes look that way."

the gay community here frightens me. were it not for my job and moonpie's warning that a bartender is a bartender all the time, i'd avoid it plague-like. i guess i'm not supposed to say that. like i'm not doing my job or something. but, really, it's like homeroom in high school, and we're all always voting someone in or out. and i guess i'm the new guy in town, and they're all trying to figure me out. yes i'm gay. my boyfriend gets here today. no, tq's not my brother, or my lover, or something or the other. sure, i'm from california, and it means nothing that you think and everything you can't grasp. and yes i heard that so and so broke up with so and so, who slept with that other guy, who's friends with so and so, and honestly, i don't care that much, not to be rude, but just so you know.

and all i really know is all i wanna know is 5 hours and 45 minutes away. i dreamt i woke up next to you.

but, the stories here are sad ones. i look around, and it brings me down, sometimes. i see it in their eyes, there's so much unsaid, there's still something so missing. it's all about the drugs and the sex and the way you carry yourself through the crowds of quiet cointelpro'es and coincidental circumstances that leave you breathless and laughless. it's how you're going to make a quick buck and an even quicker fuck; and if you can combine the two, then good for you. just look good doing it, because no one's looking for truth.

the mississippians are moving out today. i want their apartment. i think it's two bedrooms. huge balcony overlooking royal street. two bedrooms. colette?

it'd buy me two or three more months here; because the way i see it, 10 is all i've got. buying a house would be nice, and living here is nice; but long-term, i want more. busy streets. anonymity. big trees. purring subways. topography. cool cool breezes. the trouble is the two things that might keep me here. if i could just get colette and tq to come with us to wherever. new york city. san francisco. anchorage. portland. i'm willing to compromise. anywhere we all want to go. because i love i love i love. it's funny how you never know how much you really know. only one place where i can find all six. and i still want to see more. with you.

and he made my heart real strong, even though he made my head real thin. and i just wanna have a good time, just like everybody. and i don't wanna fall apart.

and like my horoscope says:
"stop looking for precious moments, when every moment is precious."

but, it's all inside of you. yeah, it's all inside of you... and that's the consequence of actually feeling.

so i heard it wrong, again; so i guess i missed my mark. and that's the difference between falling together and falling apart.

2004-03-25T19:13:00.000-08:00

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
two things:

i woke up, in my underwear... on the kitchen floor, last night. i clearly remember, before opening my eyes, thinking it was quite cold, then seeing my kitchen from a whole new angle. oh the messes i get myself into. alcohol is bad. i could only wonder how i ended up there. does one decide to take a nap on the kitchen floor? or did i just decide i was much too drunk to walk the 2.5 feet to the bed, and needed a nap so immediately, that i just had to stop, drop, and drool.

fuck yoanna. and fuck america's next top model. mercedes so deserved the win. yoanna. cunt. she makes me want to hurl myself in front of oncoming traffic... on the highway. bitch be more tragic than the holocaust.

2004-03-23T20:30:00.000-08:00

MEME 2.0
so, i did this about a year ago, and now everyone else is doing it... i'm so ahead of my time. so, my fifty all-time favorite songs (in alpha order):

aimee mann- amateur
aimee mann- high on sunday 51
aimee mann- you could make a killing
ani difranco- hour follows hour
ani difranco- reckoning
ani difranco- you had time
ani difranco- willing to fight
belle and sebastian- sleep the clock around
ben lee- the finger of the moon
bic runga- gravity
bjork- all is full of love
bjork- unison
dire straits- romeo and juliet
dmx- up in here
dolly parton and paula cole- heart door
fiona apple- i know
fleetwood mac- silver springs
hole- malibu
jenna mammino- take back the night
john hiatt- have a little faith in me
johnny cash- hurt
jude- i know
lauryn hill- ex-factor
liz phair- divorce song
liz phair- nashville
liz phair- strange loop
liz phair- whitechocolatespaceegg
marvin gaye- got to give it up, part 2
modest mouse- talking shit about a pretty sunset
morcheeba- what new york couples fight about
nelly furtado- grass is green
paul mccartney- singalong junk
pete yorn- turn of the century
poe- spanish doll
radiohead- how to disappear completely
rilo kiley- 85
rilo kiley- glendora
salif keita and alanis morissette- innocence
sigur ros- svefn-g-englar
sigur ros- track 4
sparklehorse- eyepennies
sparklehorse- saturday
sparklehorse- gold days
sparklehorse- apple bed
stevie wonder- i never dreamed you'd leave in summer
terri clark- a little gasoline
the band- the weight
tori amos- liquid diamonds
tori amos- virginia
yeah yeah yeahs- maps

2004-03-23T13:04:00.000-08:00

DR LOVE
so, i'm a good writer and all, but i could never do this morning's incident justice. ever. i'll try anyway, though.

today, i met dr. love. dr. love is a black man with about 5 feet in height, and an equal number of teeth. his hair is much like krusty the klown's, only black, nappy and, well, so disgusting i wanted to vomit. he walks with a cobra shaped cane, made of... toothpicks. i kid you not. he wears mardi gras beads, a hawaiian print button up that would fit roseanne, and slacks that were probably sold on a street corner... 27 years ago. he may, or may not, be homeless; all i know is he has a sister who works at the voodoo shop, and can afford a beer or two, along with a few rounds on the slots in the back of the bar. when he staggered in, this morning, he introduced himself as "dr. love, the king of voodoo". i'd anticipated, "dr. love, king of the dumpster"; but voodoo wasn't a complete surprise. not only did he refer to himself as dr. love and the king of voodoo, but also the prince of magic and mr. beautiful. as for that last nickname, i can only assume that if he does indeed have a home, it has no mirrors. that, or, he's never seen himself with sober eyes; both are likely possibilities- so much so, i can't even begin to decide upon an opinion.

dr. love gave me a "magical voodoo blessing" to put in my tip jar, which would ensure lots of money during today's shift. had i only known that walnuts were both a bad dessert additive and magical voodoo blessings, i might now be a billionaire (selling walnuts on channel 39 at 3am, every morning, with dionne warwick). he also blessed the slot machines before every use. he won $20, while with my magical voodoo blessing came only the intense need to shit. over the course of his 3 hour stay, he spoke some jibberish, as well as some of the most ignorant english i've ever heard. he continued to assure me that life was good, because he looked good; and that everyone loved him, because he gave everyone love. and, one more time for the people in the back, let me say, dr love... did not look good. with his $20 winnings he bought screw drivers for himself and steven.

steven was sitting at the bar, staring trancefully at his beer, when i arrived at 430 this morning. after matt left, he finally looked up, to ask for a beer and let me know he wanted to fuck me. steven looked like a 40 year old mountain man version of zz top. seriously. with a trucker hat on. trucker hats... gross. fuck off, ashton kutcher. anyhow, after reminding me several times that he wanted to fuck me, he was ready for another beer. i opened said beer and walked to the back room for some ice. when i returned, steven was asleep on the bar... snoring. i wasn't really sure what to do. if i let him sleep, he'd stop telling me all about how he wanted to fuck me, and he'd stop drinking. however, it probably wouldn't look good to any of the other cracked-out, drunk, or crazy 5am patrons. so after some thought, i tapped him on the shoulder a few times, and when that didn't work, poked at him, as if checking to make sure he was or was not dead. now, bare in mind, at this point, he's only been asleep for 5 minutes, at the very most. he slowly lifted his off the bar, to gift me with one of the most priceless facial expressions i've ever seen. he looked like he had just woken up from a 100 year sleep, to find a world full of flying cars, animated singing birds, and pole dancing robots. i've never seen such astonishment and confusion rolled into one ugly package. the funny thing is, i don't imagine this was the first time he'd woken up in a bar. i asked if he needed a cab, to which he responded, "well... i'm not sure... where in the hell am i?" i told him where he was, and that i had no problem calling him a cab, so he could go home and get some rest. he told me, he couldn't afford to take a cab to lafayette (for those of you unschooled in lousiana geography, lafayette is about 2.5 hours from nola). when i asked how he got to the french quarter, he said he wasn't sure, and that he didn't remember leaving the house. at this point, he was tripping me out so much, that i needed him to leave if i was ever going to get through the rest of my shift, so i asked what he planned to do to get home. "you can give me a ride when you get off." ummm... fat chance in hell?

then i was saved by round two of am bar insanity, when dr. love made his royal entrance. luckily, the two of them made fast friends, and steven quickly became the most loyal dr. love groupie to ever stumble the earth. they talked in tongues for a good 2 hours before steven disappeared. dr love returned about an hour after his departure to let me know he found steven on rampart, trying to find his car; and that when he asked steven what kind of car he drove, steven only shrugged his shoulders.

this is my job.

2004-03-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

NAKED, HALF-AWAKE, ABOUT TO SHAVE AND GO TO WORK
liz was great, of course. with the exception of whitechocolatespaceegg, strange loop and nashville, she played everything i wanted to hear. she did, however, trade in her signature short skirt, high boots and cleaveaged shirt, for something a little more comfortable. in return, though, she gave us some of the dirtier songs; like "chopsticks", "hwc", "flower" and "supernova".

i much preferred the sf show... but it was fun all the same; and i think colette really dug it.

a lot of sunshine johnny songs. it was weird.

and when i asked for a separate room
it was late at night, and we'd been driving since noon
but if i'd have known how that would sound to you
i would have stayed in your bed for the rest of my life
just to prove i was right; that it's harder to be friends than lovers
and that you shouldn't try to mix the two
'cause if you do it and you're still unhappy
then you know that the problem is you
and it's true that i stole your lighter
and it's also true that i lost the map
but when you said i wasn't worth talking to
well, i had to take your word on that
and if you'd known how that would sound to me
you would have taken it back
and boxed it up and buried it in the ground
boxed it up and buried it in the ground
boxed it up and buried it in the ground
burned it up and thrown it away
you put in my hands a loaded gun
and then told me not fire it
when you did the things you said were up to me
and then accused me of trying to fuck it up
but you've never been a waste of my time
it's never been a drag
so take a deep breath and count back from ten
and maybe you'll be all right
and the license said you had to stick around till i was dead
but if you're tired of looking at my face,
i guess i already am
but you've never been a waste of my time
and it's never been a drag
so take a deep breath and count back from ten
and maybe you'll be all right
-liz phair, "divorce song"

and now it's just a place and time and a good song.

nashville

2004-03-22T14:40:00.000-08:00

FUCKED UP TEETH
it's neither with pride nor shame, only honesty, that i say i am the laziest person i know. which is why i was shocked this afternoon when i thought, to myself, i've been working way too hard. it wasn't so much the thought that left me stunned, but the validity of it. i, actually, have been working way too hard. i went to work yesterday at 230p, got home at 1130p, returned to work at 415a, and got home, again, at 345p. so, i pretty much spent 21 hours, in a 26 hour period, at work.

and now, i look at the clock and count the progressively slimmer and slimmer hour spans between work. i look at my hands, which were once softer and prettier than any chick's; and are now cracked, cut and peeling. i look at the phone, and hate that there just isn't enough time to say what needs to be said, anymore. i look at the pile of dishes and wonder when i'll have time to both clean and use them. i look at the boxes that come piling into the carriageway, to be dissected and slowly taken upstairs, piece by piece, because someone isn't as skilled a packer as i. i look at my schedule and thank god i have saturday off. because saturday is an important day. it's like christmas... only better. and then, i look at my wallet and realize i'm making more money than i have time to spend, and that's a very good thing. and i look forward to working a shift where people actually come in, frequently, and tip higher. like those shifts i worked all weekend... those ones where i didn't get to keep the tips, because i was training.

so, yeah. i'm working now. on friday i went to good friends to ask about a job, and ended up working that night. i'm a bartender. that's just so strange to me. it makes for great stories, though... i wouldn't even know where to begin. and i do like what i do, for the most part. there are a few regulars and one coworker who make me want to throw myself in front of oncoming traffice... but alas, that's every workplace in every neighborhood, in every city, everywhere. or something like that, anyway.

and tonight- LIZ PHAIR at HOB. it snuck up on me. and i can only hope that after only an hour of sleep last night (before waking up panic stricken because ryan hadn't returned my message, only to find that he had, a few times, but my phone was still on silent), i stay awake through the show.

i miss my boyfriend. 5.

2004-03-19T02:18:00.000-08:00

AND THEN JESUS SPOKE TO ME
tonight, i found a cage; and in that cage, i found my calling.

and the boys, and even the girls, were like... "put it in my mouth, my mutha fuckin' mouth."

but, alas, i have a boyfriend... who's stuff is in boxes, spread all across my apartment, at the moment. i dig that.

btw, i'm drunk.

that's all for now.

y'all gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

2004-03-18T19:46:00.000-08:00

ROAD TRIP
avenue d. april 1. atlanta. do i look like a slut? pump me full of cum. i'm a dirty bitch. shove tha kama sutra up my ass.
for those of you virginal to avenue d...
those were some of their classier lyrics. we live for avenue d.

picture 2 90lb white girls who can't sing for shit, with a casio beat-box, rapping circles around the filthiest porn stars you can imagine. as colette would say, "they make peaches sound like she's reading from a little golden book."

try these on for size:
avenue d- i want a donkey punch
avenue d- hey boy

2004-03-17T23:55:00.000-08:00

TRAIN WRECK
did anyone else see courtney love on letterman? i was like... whoa. kids, can you say train-wreck?

i tried to copy nirvana's man-o-mango noodles and onion spread tonight. i did mighty good. i fucking rock the kitchen.

i have an interview at good friends on friday. no word from oz, yet, despite my harassment and their encouragement. time's a' ticking.

speaking of ticking time, boyfriend arrives in 9 days. can you believe that shit? i'm going to have to get used to singing in front of him. he's going to have to get used to vegetarian cooking. i'm going to have to get used to sharing the homeland, again. he's going to have to get used to herman. i'm going to love all this getting used to. i figured as 27 approached, my feet would get colder and colder; instead, i'm more and more excited.

i'm also, surprisingly, looking forward to seeing my family, in full.

i've seen this bitch-has-been meandering the quarter the past few days, looking all business-like and professional. i smell trouble. someone once described colette as a bitch on a mission... she's totally lost the title, now.

2004-03-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

IF YOU CALL ME
if you call me josh, you are most everyone i know.
if you call me josh hallmark, you are tom, jonno or jeremy.
if you call me hallmark or a lesbian, you are colette.
if you call me babe, you are ryan.
if you call me beaver, you are shattuck, meghan or tracy.
if you call me joshwa, you are either of my grandmothers.
if you call me josue, you are maria, shattuck or debra.
if you call me tick-tock, you are setch.
if you call me joshua. james. hallmark., you are my mother and you're pissed off.
if you call me beavis, you are my dad.
if you call me mr. josh, you are my real estate agent or my old manager.

if you call me between 7 and 8p on thursdays, i won't answer the phone.
if you call me during america's next top model, i won't answer the phone.
if you call me more than 5 times a day, i'll begin silencing your calls.
if you call me from a number i don't recognize, i won't answer the phone.

if you call me just to chit chat, i'll be inclined to pay little attention, i hate talking on the phone.
if you call me anything other than my name, in a bar, and i don't know you, i'll roll my eyes and hate you for life.
if you call me 'hey you', i won't acknowledge your existance.
if you call me right now, i'll be in the bathroom... what did i eat?

2004-03-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

NATURE v NURTURE
i consider myself an environmentalist and all, but...

is it wrong that i fantasize about soaking bread crumbs in soft scrub, for the pigeons who love atop my window a/c unit, that make noise all day and all night (which echoes into my studio, through said a/c); and that my only qualm with this is that then i'd have dead pigeons up there, but dead pigeons are much quieter than live ones, and hopefully an owl will come eat them?

2004-03-17T00:26:00.000-08:00

WHEN ARE YOU WILLING TO FIGHT?
i look around and i just want to get in a car and drive, so fast, so far. i'm overwhelmed by my passion. i am not angry, and i am not sad. i get those a lot. i am just aware of what's around me; of all that i can't excuse; of all that is shaping me; of all that i carry around with me; of all that i don't get to choose. and it isn't so much sentimentality that keeps certain things sewn up tight in my pockets. and i know it's not regret. it's just that while some get over people, i get over circumstances, and remember/realize what adjusts to fit. there are certain things in this world that i just don't understand; like apathy, and ignorance, and how someone can just throw up their hands.

this is your world, do with it what you can.

-if present trends continue, one half of all species of life on earth will be extinct in 100 years.
-one quarter of the earth's mammals face extinction currently.
-2.4 acres of rainforest are destroyed every second.
-78 million acres (an area larger than poland) of rainforest are destroyed every year.
-in urban areas, automobiles are responsible for about 90% of carbon monoxide in the air.
-a 10% nationwide increase in transit ridership would save 135 million gallons of gasoline a year.
-an extensive study produced a 95% possibility that worldwide oil will have been consumed in it's entirety in about 63 years. (many researchers have called this estimate optimistic, at best).
-in the US alone, about 6.6 tons of greenhouse gases are emitted, each year... PER PERSON. (There's about 292 million people in the US right now- you do the math)
-if global warming continues on at it's current rate, the gulf coast will experience monthly floods in 100 years; and new orleans will be under water in 200.
-50% of wordwide coral reefs have disappeared since WWII.
-all 17 of the world's major fishing areas have reached or exceeded their limitations.
-the predicted population for 2046 is 10 billion people- with population increases, there are direct decreases in: food, water, diversity in animals and plants, and land.

you're surrounded by a world's worth of things you just can't excuse

the windows of my soul
are made of one way glass
don't bother looking into my eyes
if there's something you want to know,
just ask
i got a dead bolt stroll
where i'm going is clear
i won't wait for you to wonder
i'll just tell you why i'm here

'cause i know the biggest crime
is just to throw up your hands
say
this has nothing to do with me
i just want to live as comfortably as i can
you got to look outside your eyes
you got to think outside your brain
you got to walk outside you life
to where the neighborhood changes

tell me who is your boogieman
that's who i will be
you don't have to like me for who i am
but we'll see what you're made of
by what you make of me
i think that it's absurd
that you think i
am the derelict daughter
i fight fire with words
words are hotter than flames
words are wetter than water

i got friends all over this country
i got friends in other countries too
i got friends i haven't met yet
i got friends i never knew
i got lovers whose eyes
i've only seen at a glance
i got strangers for great grandchildren
i got strangers for ancestors

i was a long time coming
i'll be a long time gone
you've got your whole life to do something
and that's not very long
so why don't you give me a call
when you're willing to fight
for what you think is real
for what you think is right
ani d, willing to fight

2004-03-16T16:43:00.000-08:00

IF YOU'RE BORED
i've created a sleugh of themed quizzes HERE.
(scroll down)

2004-03-14T22:17:00.000-08:00

MELTING ME TONIGHT:
apple bed -sparklehorse
turn of the century -pete yorn
track four -sigur ros
singalong junk -paul mccartney
85 -rilo kiley
a lack of color -deathcab for cutie
childhood dreams -nelly furtado
harm of will -bjork
track three -sigur ros
hear you me -jimmy eat world
no aphrodisiac -the whitlams
maps -yeah yeah yeahs
flinch -alanis morissette
merman -tori amos
let you down -dave matthews band
zion -lauryn hill
sometimes i still feel the bruise -trembling blue stars
a sorta fairytale -tori amos
little fat baby -sparklehorse
innocence -salif keita and alanis morissette
ear to the ground -heather nova
please send me someone to love -sade
gravity- bic runga
underdog -lisa loeb
bridge over troubled water -johnny cash and fiona apple
addicted -neil finn
love is -stevie nicks
at least we tried -moby
horses -rickie lee jones
roseblood -mazzy star
ex-factor -lauryn hill
i don't care -alana davis

2004-03-14T20:23:00.000-08:00

APPLE JUICE
spent a good portion of the late hours sitting on my bed, talking with tom. we really spill our guts out all over the table; and it feels nice to have him open up to me that way. we see things, and have experienced things, so similarly.

we spent the majority of art for fuck's sake laughing at the patrons, and each other. laughing hysterically. and drinking, of course, too. he was doing shots of jager, lika a kamikaze; while i was happy to be drunk for the first time in a while. colette spent most of the evening hanging on every word of a local artist/writer/friend, susanna. we all made our way out around 12, after i won book in a creative talent contest, by offering to make out with the host/friend/organizer, jeremy. needless to say, there was no making out, but i got the book anyway. although, i'm secure that i would have totally earned it had jeremy made me keep my end of the deal. so, colette and susanna each headed home, while tom and i came to the quarter for more drinks. we went from good friends to lafitte's, and then to oz, where we entertained ourselves by telling a group of drooling boys that we were freshly transplanted siblings from mobile. i guess it started because we're so often told we look like brothers. anyhow, we played off each other quite well, giggling whenever our fans weren't looking. when it got old, we snuck out of the bar, and came back to royal, and talked and talked and talked. we connect well, and it's comforting.

i could not ask for more out of two best friends, than what i have with colette and tom. i think i could live anywhere, with them close by.

and so we'll start the e-zine. and i can't help but feel something great will come of all this.

for life.

2004-03-14T01:12:00.000-08:00

HER SPACE HOLIDAY
the mobile brothers. blowing up buildings. street cabbage. the snot rocket gestapo. the room is spinning. a lack of color? a lack of motion? a lack of gravity.

i'll be in your car. i locked the keys in your car. i'll be in your car... for now.
-rilo kiley, "85"

2004-03-13T10:51:00.000-08:00

THE GARDEN
good morning. good morning.

i could tell by the color of the bricks, this morning, that it was going to be a beautiful day. a beautiful day for tom and i to go to the st patrick's day parade. i tried to sleep in, but neither ryan nor colette would let me. so i got up, had my cocoa crispies and teen titans, and showed great self-control by not foraging through all my new groceries.

so, mobile, alabama won't be happening tomorrow, afterall. colette got summonsed to work. damn the man. so she won't be able to go to art for fuck's sake tonight, nor anyway far off and distant tomorrow. next weekend. and my craving for beaches and sea breezes takes me over. i do what i can, though.

talked with drew for a bit, last night. we're trying to add him to the line-up of visitors. hopefully he can swing something for the next two weeks, while he's on spring break. then ryan gets here, just in time to save me from the insanity of both sets of parents coming the same week. we're also slightly planning for the upcoming san francisco/portland trip, in june. we've got tom and colette aboard; and now it's down to whether we'll fly or road trip. i quietly count.

and now, now oz needs to have me working within the next 5 days, if i'm going to make next month's rent. i'm not stressing, too much, though. i don't really ever, here. the town that care forgot. that's what they call it, and it suits the city quite well. i don't find myself in a hurry, or aggrivated much more. it's just a constant state of buoyancy... even when i'm feeling down.

driving along. the garden. catching pizzas between your legs.

2004-03-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

BUOYANCY
remember when everything was so difficult, but you were always right? when walking home from dinner, you screamed at him through the park. wouldn't it have been so much easier just to hug him? to say everything was going to be all right? because it was; not the way you'd planned, but all right all the same.

i've spent a good portion of my time here reckoning. meditating. mending. learning from my past. exhaling. accepting faults. forgiving. smoothing out the edges of this peaceful existance. understanding.

it's so much easier to know that everything will be ok, if you only allow it to be. roll with the punches and step out of the ring after it's all said and done. there's always something further. beyond the imaginary end all be alls. beyond self-imposed tragedies. beyond the myopias of existance.

there's puppies and ice cream and cool breezes on hot days and no need to hurry and the contentment of a meal and me. me. me.

that's why i love you more the further i go
and before this existance you were always there
waiting for me
you are, you are the realest thing i know
hands down
the realest thing i know

there's sweet days, riding in cars with loved ones, with such buoyancy.

2004-03-11T21:24:00.000-08:00

I WAS RIGHT ABOUT COLBY
my cup runneth over.

or something like that. i look around, as the days progress, and i smile more and more. i'm so happy to be here. even if for only a while; even if it's not quite and never will be home.

tom and i do the art thing well. after gallery to gallery, we picked up some food and wine, and he cooked up a storm while i played with lizzie. colette showed up just in time for dinner, which was, of course, immediately followed by survivor on cois' new big screen tv. and now, 80's night. our little threesome is ideal.

the music that breaks the rift is the most powerful. the most beautiful.

16.

2004-03-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

TC&J STRIKE AGAIN
we can't go back to the chevy's in metarie... they kill people there 'n shit. we had to straight up sneak out, and colette got all crazy trying to 4 wheel drive us from the constraints of the parking lot.

2004-03-10T12:09:00.000-08:00

THE HIPNESS OF HOME
so, i ended up staying in; and i'm glad i did. otherwise, i would have missed the new mormon dating show, and more importantly, the travel channel's special on san francisco. it's not so much that it makes me miss it, but that it makes me appreciate it and want to take my friends for a visit. i think san francisco really defines hip. a lot of the styles i see emerging here, were common back home. it's really a city that has a different community for everyone. i'd like to take them, especially colette, and show them the real stuff; the stuff tourists don't see. the stuff i miss the most:
hayes valley, the mission, potrero hill, japantown, upper fillmore, inner sunset, golden gate park, polk street, russian hill, south park, west portal, zeitgeist, ruby skye, nirvana, dim sum in chinatown, the house in north beach, foreign cinema, cafe flore, sweet inspiration bakery, noc noc, cloud 9, frjtz, psychic eye, the mint, ali baba, savor, the royal oak, polkers, blowfish, the canvas, e&o, the fly, king jamaican, mission rock, sushi rock for half off drink specials, ez5, amber, and so forth.